The Billy Graham Rule: Can Men and Women Be Friends?

Can men and women be friends? In short, yes. But those friendships should come with boundaries. Opposite-sex friendships should be casual and not close. Always prioritize your relationship with your spouse and build shared social networks with him or her. Be mindful of your interactions and set guidelines for how you interact with opposite-sex friends.

Back in 2017, when Former Vice President Mike Pence said that he never spends time alone with a woman who’s not his wife, everyone was talking about the “Billy Graham Rule.” This brought up the question of if men and women can be friends, especially when one or both parties are married.

Lots of the commenters didn’t seem to like the rule. They insisted that men and women can be friends. “It’s sexist,” they said, or they argued that it was outdated to the way we live and work today. I disagree. And while my wife, Erin, and I don’t follow Dr. Graham’s “rule” to the letter, we’ve incorporated its spirit into our own lives.

I know the “Greg Smalley Guideline” doesn’t have quite the same ring as the “Billy Graham Rule.” But I hope that how Erin and I handle this really ticklish topic might help you, too.

Can Men and Women Be Friends?

When asking if men and women can be friends, and if opposite-sex friendships are okay, let’s start by checking out Hebrews 10:24-25 (NIV): “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching,”

Here’s another, from Paul’s first letter to the Thessalonians (5:11): “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.”

God wants us to have friends. He wants us to be in relationship with one another. Our marriages need community. And I believe that can include opposite-sex friendships. But those friendships should come with some pretty important stipulations.

Can Men and Women Be Friends? There Need to Be Boundaries.

First, friendships between men and women shouldn’t be close friendships—the sort of friendships that entail a lot of one-on-one contact or where you’re sharing intimate details of your life with each other. That can get you into trouble in a hurry. Opposite-sex friendships should be casual friendships: Your time together is infrequent, and when you do see each other, you are guided by strong boundaries that you and your spouse have previously agreed to (see below).

Second—and really, this should go without saying — those friendships should be completely out in the open. No secrets. No sneaking or skulking around. If you’re hiding a relationship from your spouse, that should set off some serious alarms.

Third, not only should your spouse know, but your spouse should bless the friendship. You need to give your husband or wife a relational trump card. If they feel like the relationship is a problem, then guess what: It is. Never tell your spouse that he or she is paranoid or jealous. Don’t shut the conversation down. Talk it through. If friendship is a problem, you should end it immediately. If you can’t end it—if you and your friend have to work together—set some strong boundaries that you and your spouse agree on.

These aren’t easy conversations to have with your spouse. It’s easy to become angry, defensive, or dismissive. And trust me, I know all about how these talks can go wrong.

An Example From Our Marriage

Twice in our marriage, Erin has come to me with concerns about my friendships with female co-workers (neither of whom worked at Focus on the Family, by the way). And frankly, I responded defensively both times.

“Don’t you trust me?” I asked her. “What do you think I am, an idiot?”

I interpreted her concern as an indictment of me. She doubts my integrity, I thought. Many spouses respond in a similarly defensive way. They either take the concerns personally or place all the blame on the other person, calling him or her jealous, controlling, or paranoid. All that insecurity, blame, and defensiveness leads to even more relational disconnect and often to a full-blown fight—just like it did for Erin and me. And that only reinforced Erin’s concern and fear.

If your spouse raises concerns, you might think about it this way: You can be a great driver, but it still doesn’t hurt to have a car with antilock brakes. You can be a talented woodworker, but you should still wear safety glasses when you’re working with a lathe. And it’s the same with opposite-sex friendships—safety first. Erin needed some extra assurance that I dismissed in that moment.

Eventually, we were able to sit down and really talk about the issue. I put aside my defensiveness and was able to sincerely hear what Erin was telling me and we were able to establish healthy boundaries in our marriage. From that conversation, I was able to talk about having some good, strong boundaries with women at work.

Can Men and Women Be Friends? Here are Some Guidelines.

I’ve mentioned the word “boundaries” a couple of times already. Just what exactly do those boundaries look like in opposite-sex friendships? Consider the following:

1. Make Your Relationship With Your Spouse Your Priority

No relationship—even the one you share with your husband or wife—can be your “everything.” No one person can fill every relational need. But tending to the friendship you have with your spouse should take precedence over every other relationship you have outside the family.

2. Cultivate and Maintain Your Same-Sex Friendships

Those should make up your closest, most rewarding friendships.

3. Build Shared Social Networks With Your Spouse

Invite your opposite-sex friend to dinner, along with his or her spouse or a guest. Go to baseball games together. Instead of nurturing a friendship with a woman or man outside of your marriage, it is better to befriend a couple, where you can all get together to share life and companionship.

4. Be Careful About Your Interactions

Don’t take an opposite-sex work colleague out to lunch alone, and never take a business trip with only him or her if you can help it. If you can’t avoid those situations, build some strong boundaries. If you’re interacting with an opposite-sex friend or colleague online, make sure there’s a legitimate reason for the communication.

To be blunt, I don’t think you have any business “casually” texting the opposite sex. If I’m trying to banter or joke, I always make it a point to include others and make it a group text. That’s just being safe.

5. Take Honest Stock of Yourself

Be aware of your own weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and heed warning signs that this friendship might be veering into dangerous waters. For instance, do you ever fantasize about your “friend”? Are you exchanging highly personal information with him or her? Are you hiding the relationship in some way—deleting texts so your spouse won’t see them?

6. Set Guidelines for How You Should Behave Around Members of the Opposite Sex

Ask these questions:

• How do you feel about opposite-sex friendships in our marriage? How might they be appropriate and helpful? What would make them inappropriate?
• How do you feel about opposite-sex relationships at work? How might these be different from outside-of-work friendships?
• When interacting with the opposite sex, what are your expectations for me (i.e., off-limit places, inappropriate topics, how often I spend time with that person, etc.)? What are your expectations with opposite-sex work relationships?
• What rules do you feel are important to have in an opposite-sex friendship? At work? Outside of work?

The spirit behind these guidelines is important, and you should incorporate that spirit into your marriage when deciding if men and women can be friends. No friendship—new or old—is worth damaging your relationship with your spouse.

One Woman’s Response to Former Vice President Pence’s Commitment to Follow the Billy Graham Rule

A few years ago, social media exploded over the resurgence of a 2002 article concerning the stance that Mike Pence chose to take in his marriage. At the time of that writing, Pence and his wife, Karen, admitted to following a principle similar to the “Billy Graham Rule” in which Dr. Graham acknowledged his commitment to never eat alone with another woman or attend an event where alcohol is being served. And with that revelation, people began slamming Vice President Pence for living out his personal convictions.

I’ve noticed that in many of the articles I’ve read concerning Vice President Pence’s declaration, individuals have expressed concern about how this perspective could devalue women, portray women as sexual objects, or keep them from advancing professionally.

Amid the condemnation and judgment that exploded across our country, it would seem that few people took the time to really understand the meaning, motive, or impact of the Pences’ stance regarding their marriage. Maybe, just maybe, we can all learn something from them. We may even begin to see some benefit in honoring marriage as an institution at the same time we commit to taking a stand for our personal marital convictions.

How Can the Billy Graham Rule Be Beneficial to Marriage?

Guidelines Help Us To Fulfill the Mandate To Honor Marriage

Hebrews 13:4 (NIV) says, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” The directive in this verse is clear — honor marriage, including your own. Value marriage. Make your marriage a priority.

As married couples, our behavior should be an indicator of what we value. Therefore, it should be apparent to others that we value our marriage on a personal level and value the covenant of marriage on a general level. I believe we can do this best by choosing to behave in ways that would not leave others—even bystanders—wondering if we are truly committed to our marriage relationship.

Consider how you would feel if you saw your neighbor out to lunch with a female friend and they were laughing, giggling, maybe even flirting. Would it make you wonder how his wife would feel if she walked upon this scenario? If this were my husband, I know I would struggle with what I was seeing. So the question comes down to this: Would this kind of interaction with someone of the opposite sex benefit my neighbor’s marriage or create a moment of doubt for his wife? Would my neighbor ultimately be honoring his marriage? With an example like this in mind, I can see the value of establishing boundaries in marriage, especially with friendships between men and women.

Personally, I want to be very careful with what I say and what I do in order to honor my marriage. I want others to see through my words and deeds that marriage is not only a good thing — it’s a great thing!

Guidelines in a Marriage Relationship Are Not Uncommon

Most marriages, Christian or not, typically have some sort of agreed upon code of conduct. Married couples intuitively understand that if one spouse chooses to behave in a manner that brings only individual satisfaction in the marriage, the behavior will obviously have a negative impact on the relationship. Therefore, whether or not it involves a formal discussion, many couples have some sort of code of conduct or accepted set of guidelines that they have agreed to. Your boundaries may not look identical to those of Vice President Pence or Dr. Billy Graham, but you probably understand acceptable limits.

A lot of married couples will tell you that marriage is the most wonderful thing they’ve ever experienced, as well as one of the most difficult things they’ve ever experienced. With that in mind, it’s understandable why having clear expectations of appropriate behavior is helpful to both a husband and a wife, especially when their relationship needs to be guarded during seasons of difficulty.

The Smalley Rule

My husband, Greg, and I have had our own set of guidelines that we have followed for the past 25 years. Although our boundaries may not be quite the same as the “Billy Graham Rule,” we’ve committed to what we could call our own “Smalley Rule.”

Greg and I consistently guard our marriage by setting boundaries around how we interact with other men and women. We’ve committed to the following guidelines:

• Never be in our home alone with a friend of the opposite sex.
• Don’t socialize alone with a member of the opposite sex.
• Don’t travel alone with someone of the opposite sex.

We’ve worked to more clearly understand what it means to honor each other’s privacy at the same time we battle against secrecy. Because this has been a work in progress for us, Greg and I have also agreed that if an awkward situation comes up, we will have open discussions in order to arrive at a mutually agreed upon solution.

Guidelines Create Emotional Safety in Marriage

As my husband honors our shared code of conduct, I feel enormously valued and cherished. Greg honors me as his wife, his beloved, by adhering to our mutually agreed upon boundaries. I would assume that Karen Pence feels the same way I do—as did Ruth Graham—comforted by knowing that her husband cares enough about her to take a stance to protect their marriage. Regardless of what the world and social media might be spewing about Vice President Pence, he has proven his commitment to his wife.

I can’t stress enough how important it is for your marriage that you have a conversation with your husband or wife to discuss interactions with members of the opposite sex. If you’ve never discussed the desired boundaries or guidelines you both wish to have in your marriage, it would seem that in the wake of people reacting to the Billy Graham Rule, now might be a great time to do just that. I encourage you to pause and evaluate your own marital convictions in order to cultivate the greatest level of safety in your marriage.

Examples of Boundaries for Friendships Between Men and Women

Why not put boundaries in place so in your own moments of weakness or temptation you already have a guardrail of protection in place? Consider a few of the following guardrail examples:

• Leave the door open when one of you is meeting with a person of the opposite sex.
• Be sure there is a window in your office so your interactions with other people are visible.
• When you’re talking with someone of the opposite sex, steer away from conversations about frustrations you may be having with your spouse.
• Be aware of your own feelings or secret desires when a member of the opposite sex walks into the room.

Very few people would admit to having been involved in the intentional pursuit of an extramarital affair. But many confess to feeling a connection with someone of the opposite sex, and then the relationship just gradually began to form. While they thought that men and women could be “just friends,” things went past boundaries. The potential destruction an extramarital affair can have on a family is immense. I am not saying that every interaction with the opposite sex is an affair waiting to happen or even a sexual temptation. However, having boundaries around all your interactions will help you avoid dangerous attractions and lead to safety when it’s needed.

What Are Some of the Benefits of Protecting Your Marriage?

Regardless of how you feel about the Billy Graham Rule, its intent to protect a husband and wife, and whether men and women can be friends, research has consistently shown that marriage is worth protecting from harm or destruction. I believe that God created marriage, (“God, not you, made marriage” Malachi 2:15, The Message paraphrase). But even if you try to take God out of the discussion, marriage has still proven to be an emotionally, physically and financially beneficial institution for adults, children and all of society.

Beyond the social impact of marriage, it is simply an amazing experience. There are so many benefits to having someone stand by you during both the challenges and the joys of life. I have found that there is nothing like having your best friend to fall asleep with and wake up beside. It’s a beautiful thing to know and be known.

Because each one of us chooses to be proactive in different areas of life (health, fitness, finances, etc.), I wonder why married couples would not be proactive in building a healthy marriage? Both husbands and wives should protect the amazing gift of marriage in their lives, so even if you don’t want to follow the extent of the Billy Graham Rule, why not discuss how you and your spouse plan on protecting your marriage?

How to Recognize a Covert Narcissist

By 

Jodi Clarke, MA, LPC/MHSP 

Updated on September 29, 2025

 Reviewed by 

David Susman, PhD

Reviewed by David Susman, PhD

David Susman, PhD is a licensed clinical psychologist with experience providing treatment to individuals with mental illness and substance use concerns.

Learn about ourReview Board

Table of Contents

• Causes
• Triggers
• Overt vs. Covert
• Signs
• Examples
• How to Deal
• When to Seek Help

Key Takeaways

• Covert narcissists act in subtle ways and may seem self-effacing, but they still crave importance and admiration.
• They often use manipulation, such as guilt trips and shaming, to control others and keep focus on themselves.
• To protect yourself, set clear boundaries and limit interactions with covert narcissists.

A covert narcissist is someone who craves admiration and importance, lacking empathy toward others but may act in a different way than an overt narcissist. They may exhibit symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) but often hide the more obvious signs of the condition. While it can be more difficult to recognize, covert narcissism can be just as destructive as more overt narcissistic behaviors.

Common narcissistic traits include having a strong sense of self-importance, experiencing fantasies about fame or glory, exaggerating self abilities, craving admiration, exploiting others, and lacking empathy.

In the field of psychology, behavior can be described as overt or covert. Overt behaviors are those that can be easily observed by others, such as those of the traditional narcissist described earlier. Covert behaviors, however, are those that are more subtle and a bit less obvious to others.

When considering the behavior of narcissists, it might be hard to imagine how someone could be a narcissist and be inhibited in their approach and behavior. A covert narcissist may be outwardly self-effacing or withdrawn in their approach, but the end goals are the same.¹

The Signs of Grandiose Narcissism and How to Deal With It

Causes of Covert Narcissism

The exact causes of covert narcissism are not entirely understood, but it is likely that a number of factors contribute. Experts suggest that narcissistic personality disorder is linked to factors including:

• Genetics
• Childhood abuse and trauma
• Upbringing and relationships with caregivers
• Personality and temperament²

One study found that people with narcissistic personality disorder are more likely to have grown up with parents who were highly focused on status and achievements.³ Because they were often made to feel superior to other children, the belief that they are special and more valuable than others may persist into adulthood.

The Best Online Trauma Therapy, According to a Therapist

What Triggers a Covert Narcissist?

It is not clear, however, why narcissistic behavior is sometimes displayed in covert rather than overt ways. Some situations that might trigger a covert narcissist include:

• Being ignored
• Feeling disrespected
• Threats to their ego
• Feelings of shame
• Being around high-status people
• Feeling less attractive or less educated than others
• Having less of something than others
• Not getting the attention they think they deserve
• Jealousy
• Lack of control

Recap

Covert narcissism is characterized by the same behaviors of overt narcissism that are displayed in less obvious, more subtle ways. The exact causes for this are not known, but genetics and early relationships may play a role.

2:13

Click Play to Learn More About Covert Narcissism

This video has been medically reviewed by Rachel Goldman, PhD, FTOS.

Overt vs. Covert Narcissists

Covert narcissists are only different from overt (more obvious) narcissists in that they tend to be more introverted. The overt narcissist is easily identified because they tend to be loud, arrogant, insensitive to the needs of others, and always thirsty for compliments.¹

Their behaviors can be easily observed by others and tend to show up as “big” in a room. Overt narcissists demonstrate more extroverted behaviors in their interactions with others.

Researcher and author Craig Malkin, PhD, suggests that the term “covert” can be misleading. In his work, he states that the term covert is often used to suggest that the covert narcissist is sneaky or that their striving for importance is not as significant as an overt (more extroverted) narcissist. In fact, he reports, the traits of the overt narcissist and the covert narcissist are the same.⁴

Both overt and covert narcissists navigate the world with a sense of self-importance and fantasize about success and grandeur.

So do covert narcissists know what they are doing? While they may be aware on some level that their behaviors have a negative impact on other people, narcissists also tend to lack self-awareness and insight. Because they often believe they deserve the attention and accolades they seek, they may see nothing wrong with their behavior as long as it achieves the intended results.

Both overt and covert narcissists need to meet the same clinical criteria to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, whether they are extroverted or introverted. Both have deficits in their capacity to regulate their self-esteem.⁵

Covert narcissists can be difficult to recognize at the outset of a relationship. Many people have fallen victim to the manipulative behaviors of a covert narcissist without realizing what has happened until they are already in emotional pain.

It might be more accurate to suggest that the extroverted (overt) narcissist would be a lot easier to see coming than the introverted (covert) narcissist. In relationships, covert narcissists cause hurt due to a sense of a lack of partnership or reciprocity in the relationship.

The 5 Things You Need to Do If You’re Dealing With a Narcissist

What Are Signs of a Covert Narcissist?

How can you tell if someone is a narcissist? Although there are clinical criteria that need to be met in order for someone to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, there are some general traits and patterns to look for in everyday interactions if you suspect you might be dealing with a covert narcissist, such as poor empathy and disregard for others.

In addition to looking for the red flags of a narcissist, it is also important to be able to recognize the more subtle behaviors of a covert narcissist. Being aware of these traits can help empower you, helping you to recognize and better navigate potentially unhealthy relationships and interactions.

What are some common phrases used by covert narcissists?

Types of comments you might hear from a covert narcissist include:

• “I’m too good for this. I shouldn’t have to tolerate these people.”
• “I deserve all of the good things life has to offer.”
• “Other people have it better than me and it isn’t fair. I deserve more because I am better than other people.”
• “People never appreciate how special I am.”
• “I can’t believe you did that. Don’t do that again. You should feel ashamed.”
• “Remember when I helped you a few years ago? You owe me a favor.”
• “I’m the best you’ll ever have. You’ll never find anyone else like me.”
• “No one else would give you the time of day. You should be grateful I stick around.”
• “I was just joking. I can’t believe you took that seriously.”

Are You or Someone You Know a Narcissist? Take the Test

This free narcissistic personality test may be helpful in assessing whether or not you or someone you know display signs of narcissism.

https://www.opinionstage.com/api/v2/widgets/e979358b-11e5-4705-b036-ed03a4f12b72/iframe This quiz was reviewed by Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD

Passive Self-Importance

Where the more overt, extroverted narcissist will be obvious in their elevated sense of self and their arrogance when interacting with others, the covert narcissist may be less obvious.

The covert narcissist certainly craves importance, or narcissistic supply, and thirsts for admiration but it can look different to those around them. They might give back-handed compliments, or purposefully minimize their accomplishments or talents so that people will offer them reassurance of how talented they are.

The reality for both the overt and covert narcissist is that they have a fragile sense of self.

The overt narcissist will demand admiration and attention, where the covert narcissist will use softer tactics to meet those same goals. The covert narcissist will be much more likely to constantly seek reassurance about their talents, skills, and accomplishments, looking for others to feed that same need for self-importance.

Blaming and Shaming

Shaming is a tactic that narcissists may use to secure their sense of an elevated position in relation to others. The overt (extroverted) narcissist might be more obvious in their approach to gaining leverage, such as explicitly putting you down, being rude, criticizing you, and being sarcastic.⁶

The introverted, covert narcissist may have a more gentle approach to explain why something is your fault and they are not to blame. They might even pretend to be a victim of your behavior or engage in emotional abuse to put themselves in a position to receive reassurance and praise from you.⁷ Whether overt or covert, the goal is to make the other person feel small.

Creating Confusion

Although they are not always sneaky, some covert narcissists can take joy in creating confusion. They may not engage in blaming or shaming, but instead, causing people to question their perceptions and second-guess themselves.

This is another way to create leverage between them and another person. A covert narcissist needs to use tactics like this to elevate themselves and maintain power in the interaction. If they can get you to question your perceptions, it allows them the opportunity to manipulate and exploit you more.

Procrastination and Disregard

Because their need for self-importance reigns supreme, covert narcissists will do whatever they need to do in order to keep the focus on themselves. So, where an extroverted narcissist will blatantly push you aside or manipulate you to accomplish their goal, the covert narcissist is a professional at not acknowledging you at all.

It is not a coincidence that narcissists, in general, tend to gravitate toward interacting with caring and compassionate people. The covert narcissist recognizes those opportunities for manipulation as well.

They have no problem letting you know that you are not important.

Rather than explicitly telling you that you’re not important, they might stand you up on a date, wait until the last minute to respond to texts or emails, always show up late, or never make confirmed plans at all. There is no regard for your time or interests, leaving you feeling small, unimportant, and irrelevant.

Giving With a Goal

In general, narcissists are not givers. They find it difficult to put energy into anything that doesn’t serve them in some way.¹ A covert narcissist might present themselves in a way that looks like they are giving, but their giving behavior always has the intent of getting something in return.

A simple, everyday example could be something like putting a tip in the jar at your local coffee shop. A covert narcissist would be much more likely to put their tip in the jar when they know the barista is looking, in order to help facilitate some kind of interaction that allows them to be praised for giving.

The intent of giving for a covert narcissist is always more about them and less about those to whom they are giving.

Emotional Neglect

Narcissists are inept at building and nurturing emotional bonds with others. The covert narcissist is no different. So, although they may appear kinder and less obnoxious than their extroverted counterpart, they are not emotionally accessible or responsive either.

You will likely not receive many compliments from a covert narcissist. They are always focused on staying elevated to maintain their sense of self-importance, so it is easy to understand how a covert narcissist would find it difficult to compliment you. There is usually little regard for your talents or abilities.

Just as with an overt narcissist, you will likely find yourself doing most of the heavy emotional lifting in a relationship with a covert narcissist. Although the covert narcissist is more likely to appear emotionally accessible, it tends to be a performance and is usually done with intent to exploit or eventually leave the other person feeling small through disregard, blaming, or shaming.

Since one of the hallmark traits of narcissistic personality disorder is lack of empathy, the covert narcissist is not going to be emotionally responsive to their partner in a healthy way.⁵

Recap

Covert narcissists often behave in passive-aggressive ways. They disregard others while exaggerating their own importance. They also blame, shame, and ignore the feelings and needs of other people.

What Is a Malignant Narcissist?

Examples of Covert Narcissist Behavior

To spot the signs of a covert narcissist, it can be helpful to look at how narcissistic traits may emerge in different settings.

In the workplace, covert narcissism may look like:

• Treating colleagues with superiority and condescension
• Creating a public image that is completely different than private behaviors
• Making unreasonable demands on co-workers and subordinates
• Belittling and blaming others for mistakes
• Gossiping about others in the workplace
• Expressing rage and then denying their anger

What Do Covert Narcissists Do in Relationships?

In other relationships, such as those with partners, parents, siblings, or other family members, covert narcissists might do any of the following:

• Display a lack of empathy for the feelings, thoughts, and needs of others
• Use guilt trips and shame to control others
• Expect others to care for them or solve their problems
• Gaslighting behaviors, such as being critical but making it sound like it is coming from a place of concern
• Take advantage of other people’s vulnerabilities
• Dismiss or deny other people’s feelings, emotions, or experiences
• Respond to others with passive-aggressive behaviors

Echoism: The Narcissism Response You Haven’t Heard of

How to Deal With a Covert Narcissist

You may currently be in a personal relationship with a covert narcissist, whether it be a family member, co-worker, or significant other. Although you cannot control what a narcissist does, you can control how you behave and interact with them. There are steps that you can take to protect yourself from covert narcissistic abuse.

Avoid Taking It Personally

When dealing with a narcissist, whether covert or overt, their manipulative behavior can feel very personal. The lack of regard, sense of entitlement, patterns of manipulation, and deceptive behaviors can feel very personal when on the receiving end.

No matter how painful the behaviors might feel in the moment, it’s important to remember that they have nothing to do with you.

A narcissist behaves in negative ways because of something unhealthy within them—not because there is something unhealthy about you.

It is OK to look at the situation and the interactions in regard to how you contribute to them. However, it is very important when dealing with a narcissist that you let them “own” their part.

Narcissists want you to take it personally because that is how they maintain leverage. Remember, a narcissist feels small, so they have to make themselves “big” somehow.

Set Boundaries

Narcissists do not have healthy boundaries.⁸ Because covert narcissists lack empathy, have a strong sense of entitlement, and exploit others, boundaries are something that gets in the way of their goals. The more you can practice setting boundaries with a narcissist, the more consistently you are conveying to them that their tactics are not working.

Setting boundaries can be very difficult, particularly with a narcissist. Remember that boundaries are just a way for you to let someone else know what your values are. Consider what is important to you, what your values are, and work to create boundaries to support them.

Understanding why you are setting particular boundaries can help you have more confidence in establishing them and can keep you on track if someone attempts to violate or disregard your boundaries.

Advocate for Yourself

When interacting with a covert narcissist, it can be easy to lose your voice. Because the patterns of interaction are so manipulative, it may take time for you to realize that you’re not advocating for yourself.

Take time to tune back in with yourself, who you are, and what you are about. Take stock of your values, your goals, and your talents. Strengthening your relationship with yourself is key in being able to speak up during interactions with a narcissist.

When advocating for yourself, the narcissist gets a chance to meet the part of you that is aware and knowledgeable of their tactics, making it less appealing for them to keep trying those things with you.

Create a Healthy Distance

Being in a relationship with a covert narcissist can feel frustrating and overwhelming. There are times when it can be difficult to create distance between you and that person, such as with a family member or co-worker.

Limiting personal interactions, asking to be moved to a different location in your office, taking breaks at a different time, or simply cutting off contact might be what is necessary if you are being hurt by someone’s narcissism. The goal of creating distance is not to hurt the other person; the goal is to protect yourself and create space for you to heal.

When to Seek Help

If someone you know shows signs of covert narcissism that are creating distress or affecting areas of your life, encourage them to talk to their healthcare provider. A doctor or therapist can recommend treatments that can help address these symptoms and improve their ability to cope.

There are also resources available for people who are in a relationship with a covert or overt narcissist. Consider visiting the Narcissist Abuse Support organization to find information and resources.