How to discipline your child the smart and healthy way

Positive discipline for better mental and physical health and a happy childhood.

UNICEF

• Українська
• English

There comes a time when every parent struggles with how best to discipline their child. Whether dealing with a screaming toddler or an angry teen, it can be hard to control your temper. No parent wants to find themselves in such a situation and the bottom line is that shouting and physical violence never help.

Thankfully, there are other, more effective ways and one of them is positive discipline. We consulted Lucie Cluver, Oxford University professor of Child and Family Social Work and mother of two young boys, to explore how the approach can help parents build positive relationships with their children and teach skills like responsibility, cooperation and self-discipline.

There are no bad children, only bad behaviour.

Why positive discipline?

“Parents don’t want to shout or hit their kids. We do it because we’re stressed and don’t see another way,” says Professor Cluver.

The evidence is clear: shouting and hitting simply do not work and can do more harm than good in the long run. Repeated shouting and hitting can even adversely impact a child’s entire life. The continued “toxic stress” it creates can lead to a host of negative outcomes like higher chances of school dropout, depression, drug use, suicide and heart disease.

“It’s like saying: here’s this medicine, it’s not going to help you and it’s going to make you sick,” says Professor Cluver. “When we know something doesn’t work, that’s a pretty good reason to look for a different approach.”

Rather than punishment and what not to do, the positive discipline approach puts an emphasis on developing a healthy relationship with your child and setting expectations around behaviour. The good news for every parent is it works and here’s how you can start putting it into practice:

1. Plan 1-on-1 time

One-on-one time is important for building any good relationship and even more so with your children. “It can be 20 minutes a day. Or even 5 minutes. You can combine it with something like washing dishes together while you sing a song or chatting while you’re hanging out the washing,” says Professor Cluver. “What’s really important is that you focus on your child. So, you turn your TV off, you turn your phone off, you get to their level and it’s you and them.”

2. Praise the positives

As parents we often focus on our children’s bad behaviour and call it out. Children may read this as a way to get your attention, perpetuating poor conduct rather than putting a stop to it.

Children thrive on praise. It makes them feel loved and special. “Watch out for when they’re doing something good and praise them, even if that thing is just playing for five minutes with their sibling,” recommends Professor Cluver. “This can encourage good behaviour and reduce the need for discipline.”

3. Set clear expectations

“Telling your child exactly what you want them to do is much more effective than telling them what not to do,” says Professor Cluver. “When you ask a child to not make a mess, or to be good, they don’t necessarily understand what they’re required to do.” Clear instructions like “Please pick up all of your toys and put them in the box” set a clear expectation and increase the likelihood that they’ll do what you’re asking.

“But it’s important to set realistic expectations. Asking them to stay quiet for a whole day may not be as manageable as asking for 10 minutes of quiet time while you have a phone call,” says Professor Cluver. “You know what your child is capable of. But if you ask for the impossible, they are going to fail.”

4. Distract creatively

When your child is being difficult, distracting them with a more positive activity can be a useful strategy says Professor Cluver. “When you distract them towards something else – by changing the topic, introducing a game, leading them into another room, or going for a walk, you can successfully divert their energy towards positive behaviour.”

Timing is also crucial. Distraction is also about spotting when things are about to go wrong and taking action. Being mindful of when your child is starting to become fidgety, irritable or annoyed, or when two siblings are eyeing the same toy, can help diffuse a potential situation before it becomes one.

5. Use calm consequences

Part of growing up is learning that if you do something, something can happen as a result. Defining this for your child is a simple process that encourages better behaviour while teaching them about responsibility.

Give your child a chance to do the right thing by explaining the consequences of their bad behaviour. As an example, if you want your child to stop scribbling on the walls, you can tell them to stop or else you will end their play time. This provides them with a warning and an opportunity to change their behaviour.

If they don’t stop, follow through with the consequences calmly and without showing anger, “and give yourself credit for that – it’s not easy!” adds Professor Cluver.

If they do stop, give them lots of praise for it, recommends Professor Cluver. “What you are doing is creating a positive feedback loop for your child. Calm consequences have been shown to be effective for kids to learn about what happens when they behave badly.”

Being consistent is a key factor in positive parenting, which is why following through with the consequences is important. And so is making them realistic. “You can take a teenager’s phone away for an hour but taking it away for a week might be difficult to follow through on.”

Engaging with younger children

One-on-one time can be fun – and it’s completely free! “You can copy their expressions, bang spoons against pots, or sing together,” adds Professor Cluver. “There’s amazing research showing that playing with your children boosts their brain development.”

Engaging with older children

Like younger children, teenagers seek praise and want to be thought of as good. One-on-one time is still important to them. “They love it if you dance around the room with them or engage in a conversation about their favourite singer,” says Professor Cluver. “They may not always show it, but they do. And, it’s an effective way of building a relationship on their terms.”

While setting expectations, “ask them to help make some of the rules,” suggests Professor Cluver. “Sit them down and try to agree on the household dos and don’ts. They can also help decide what the consequences for unacceptable behaviour will be. Being involved in the process helps them know that you understand they’re becoming their own independent beings.”

What you can do in stressful situations

Every family goes through stressful times together. Here are some tips that can help parents get through such times:

1. Pause

We all know the stress when we feel our child is being difficult. At moments like these, being present and stepping back is a simple and useful tactic. Hit the “pause button”, as Professor Cluver calls it. “Take five deep breaths, slowly and carefully and you’ll notice you are able to respond in a calmer, more considered way. Parents across the world say that just taking that pause is enormously helpful.”

2. Step back

Parents often forget to care for themselves, says Professor Cluver. “Take some time for yourself, such as when the kids are asleep, to do something that makes you feel happy and calm. It’s really hard to do all the things right as a parent, when you haven’t given yourself a break.”

3. Praise yourself

It’s easy to forget the astonishing job you do as a parent every day and you should give yourself the credit, advises Professor Cluver. “Each day, maybe while brushing your teeth, take a moment to ask: ‘What was one thing I did really well with my kids today?’ And, just know that you did something great.”

And know that you are not alone. “Millions of parents across the world are all trying and we’re all failing sometimes,” she says. The important thing is we try again.

What to Know About Spanking

A common form of punishment many parents use to discipline their children is spanking. By the time a child reaches high school in the U.S., around 85% of them have been spanked or more harshly punished. Most of the spanking happens during early to mid-childhood, as parents often believe spanking shows their child discipline. 

Many studies and research show that spanking is harmful to a child physically and psychologically, though. Experts say, spanking children simply doesn’t work.

“While spanking may lead to short-term compliance, it’s been shown to be pretty ineffective in the long run and even harmful,” says Taliesin Sumner-Longboy, MSW, of Hilo, HI, who specializes in child and family mental health and founded telehealth practice The Therapy Space, LLC. 

What Is Spanking? 

Parents use spanking mainly to punish their children’s bad behavior and promote good behavior in the future. In most cases, parents spank their children to stop doing what they see as bad behavior. 

Spanking was once a common practice for parents in the U.S. to discipline their children. But research now shows that spanking is ineffective and harmful. Spanking is seen more often as a form of violence against children. 

It is a type of corporal (physical) punishment that can do more harm than good. Spanking is on a list of physical punishments that include hitting or causing pain to your child. This form of punishment started declining around the 1960s in the U.S. But two-thirds of Americans still approve of this type of punishment. 

Young children getting spanked are more likely to have anxiety and depression when they get older. The trauma spanking causes can affect their ability to manage their emotions and engage in school.

“Spanking has even been shown to alter brain development, similarly to children who’ve experienced what some consider to be more severe forms of abuse,” says Sumner-Longboy.

Is Spanking Child Abuse?

Spanking as a means of discipline — causing pain but not so great that it harms the child’s body — is legal in all U.S. states. This protects parents who use spanking or paddling to punish or correct. Surveys show most adults (about 75%) find it reasonable.

But the legal line between discipline and physical abuse is crossed when a caregiver uses force or violence, such as beating, kicking, or hitting hard with a hand or an object, that causes physical injury.

“Most caregivers don’t intentionally want to harm their kids,” Sumner-Longboy says, “but without support and when it’s hard to manage our own anger, we may fall back on spanking as a way to deal with tough situations.”

Helping caregivers find healthier alternatives is key, rather than shunning those who engage in spanking, she notes. “Laws against spanking could be difficult to enforce and, if not handled carefully, rely on institutions such as Child Welfare Services, which may cause more harm than good in some cases. Families would be better served by having access to therapeutic and community services that offer guidance and support for more positive discipline strategies.”

Researchers report that spanking can have an effect similar to other forms of child abuse, such as sexual abuse, and thus be considered a form of abuse. “Most states in the U.S. recognize that spanking or corporal punishment crosses the line into child abuse when it leaves physical marks, such as bruises,” Sumner-Longboy says. “We must ask ourselves, if a child grows up believing that those who are meant to love and protect them can hurt them when they make mistakes or are learning, what might they come to accept or tolerate from others later in life?”

Is Spanking Effective?

Because spanking has been used for so long, it’s easy to wonder, does spanking work? That’s why there has been plenty of research dating back to the early 1900s. In most studies, researchers found that spanking causes negative effects in children. 

The frequency and severity of the spanking can cause even bigger effects on the child. Some studies showed that parent and child relationships worsened when parents used spanking. This happens because children are less likely to trust their parents, especially if spanking is unpredictable.

Researchers have looked at the likelihood of spanking decreasing bad behavior in the short and long term. It is harder to observe short-term compliance, as it often happens spontaneously at home. But children who are spanked more often are more likely to be disobedient in the long term.

“Spanking doesn’t really give the child a chance to learn preferred behaviors, emotional regulation, or problem-solving,” says Sumner-Longboy. 

More research shows that spanking can lead to issues, including physical and mental health problems. Children who get spanked may also withdraw from people in school or social settings.

Why Spanking Doesn’t Work

There are many reasons why spanking children doesn’t work. Several studies have found that child abuse can start as physical punishment, such as spanking. Most abuse begins with a parent who wants to teach their child a lesson, but that “teaching” leads to worse results and causes injury. 

The problem with spanking as a punishment is that it immediately stops the bad behavior, but only because the child is afraid of getting hit. However, it doesn’t fix the behavior in the long term. Studies have found physical punishment from parents makes the child more aggressive. 

When a parent hits a child, that child turns around and strikes out at their siblings, friends, or back at their parents. Spanking also leads to rash behavior when the child can’t control their anger.

Children who were spanked often are at a higher risk for mental health problems, including: 

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Alcoholism
• Drug abuse
• Aggression
• Partner abuse when they’re older

Adults who were spanked as children are more likely to have unhealthy relationships with partners and friends. They learn at a young age that violence is how you get what you want. Or, hitting someone can be a part of a healthy, loving relationship because that’s what they had with their parents.

In the end, just because your parents did something doesn’t mean you should do the same with your children. There were plenty of things your parents did that aren’t recommended today. As you begin your parenting journey, start it with love, empathy, and a level head. Parenting isn’t easy, but positive reinforcement and loving efforts can help create a healthy relationship between you and your child.

“It’s important to consider that there are more effective and nurturing ways to guide behavior,” Sumner-Longboy says. “Reflecting on how we want our children to feel loved and supported as they navigate mistakes can positively impact their future relationships and self-esteem. By focusing on positive discipline strategies, we help them develop trust, resilience, and healthy boundaries that will benefit them throughout life.”

How to Discipline a Toddler

Disciplining your toddler doesn’t require spanking. The American Academy of Pediatrics released a statement in 2018 saying they opposed corporal punishment. They then proposed other discipline techniques to try instead of hitting your child. Teaching proper behavior can happen without spanking.

Positive reinforcement is a great technique that rewards children for their good behavior. Disciplining a toddler or young child requires patience and a level head. When your child ultimately throws a tantrum, you should calmly deal with them. 

“With little ones, it’s helpful to praise positive behaviors, ignore less desired behaviors, and provide lots of co-regulation – meaning we need to find ways to stay regulated ourselves,” says Sumner-Longboy. “Most toddlers don’t yet have the capacity to regulate themselves, so it’s our chance to teach them.”

It’s also important to pick your battles, she adds. If you find yourself saying “no” too often, it might be time to proactively remove items that lead to frequent “nos,” or to back up and reconsider if the “no” is really necessary. In that way, you can start to trace what happens before the behavior and make adjustments accordingly.

Another technique parents can use for toddlers is allowing them to throw a tantrum. It may sound strange, but letting your child learn how to throw a tantrum helps them practice controlling their anger.

Taking a time-out yourself can be helpful. When you start to feel overwhelmed, take a moment to step away and take a breath. Then, you can come back and help your child understand that outbursts don’t get rewarded.

Praising good behavior and celebrating their wins can help your child know the actions they should repeat. If they’re acting out, you can ignore that behavior and make sure they know bad behavior won’t get them what they want.

As your toddler ages, they’ll start to understand what’s wrong and right. That doesn’t mean they won’t test your limits and push your rules. But they’re doing this to see how you’ll react. Maintaining positive reinforcement and celebrating good behavior will help set them up for success.

Spanking Alternatives

Instead of spanking, try other options to discipline your child. Time-out is a good method for when your child is acting out. Sit them in a space where they can think about what went wrong. Then, you can talk about their behavior and how to do better next time. 

For older kids, respectful, connected discipline is just as important as with a toddler, but the approach shifts a bit, Sumner-Longboy says. “It’s still about being attuned to their emotional state and needs, but now it’s also about promoting independence and responsibility through clear, realistic, and consistent expectations, along with open communication.”

Natural consequences can work very well for older kids because they allow them to experience the direct results of their actions — such as losing screen time for not completing homework. This helps them learn responsibility and self-regulation. “It helps them understand the connection between their behavior and outcomes,” she says.

Some other spanking alternatives include getting someone else involved. If you’re having a hard time controlling your anger when your child acts out, it’s best to get someone else to help. Having a second person around will make you less likely to strike your child out of anger.

Redirecting bad behavior allows you to show your child what they should do instead of what they shouldn’t. Let them know there are consequences for bad actions and teach them how to identify those moments.

Takeaways

Spanking children has been a common form of discipline or punishment over time. But studies show that it not only doesn’t work but can also lead to emotional damage and other problems throughout life. 

Still, about 75% of American adults stand by this method or think it’s OK. Experts are trying to spread the word about ways to discipline your child that will have a lasting positive effect. They include, depending on their age: time-out, natural consequences, praising good behavior, and getting support from others.

Spanking FAQs

What are the risks of spanking for a child’s development?

Children who are spanked can become more aggressive and strike back at others. It can also cause mental health issues, including anxiety, depression, and alcohol and drug abuse. 

How many states still allow students to get spanked?

According to the National Education Association, corporal punishment is still practiced in 14 states and remains legal in 17. Six other states haven’t banned spanking in schools.

When did corporal punishment start?

The use of physical force to “correct” a child likely has been around since ancient times, but beating and whipping kids as an acceptable means of discipline was well recorded in Europe and Colonial America in the 1500s and 1600s. There was even a “stubborn child law” that gave parents free rein to impose severe physical abuse and even cause death.

What form of discipline is most effective?

There are many, but the best ways to discipline a child include redirecting bad behavior by showing them better ways to manage a situation, keeping communication lines open, and rewarding good behavior.

How do you discipline a child who won’t listen?

First, bear in mind that your child’s brain develops in its own time. They don’t think about things the same way you do, so try to adjust your expectations to their level. Set boundaries you can enforce, be consistent, and build trust by being open and available.