I Bought Baby Formula For My Neighbors Who Depend On SNAP. It Was A Big Mistake.

“I remembered that I had broken the first rule of helping. The worst part was, I knew better.”

I have the kind of husband who doesn’t ask questions — not even when six giant cans of infant formula show up at our house on Halloween even though we don’t have a baby. Without raising an eyebrow, he carried the bags in and went back to making sourdough pretzels.

If he had asked, I would have stated that I was done waiting for “someone” to do “something” about the government shutdown and the millions of people who were at risk of not receiving the SNAP benefits they need in November because of it.

Elphaba Mode activated.

The school that our children attend has a high population of food-insecure families. The local food bank sets up tables in the school’s parking lot once a month. When two federal judges ordered Trump to continue food assistance programs last Friday, I breathed a sigh of relief for our neighborhood.

Until I read further. Appeals? Disruptions? Oh. This is not the good news we’re waiting for. Bureaucracy is fun like that.

The school resource officer immediately sent out an email assuring families that the school would continue to provide breakfast and lunch every day for every student. All I could think was, But what about the babies?

So I bought half a dozen giant cans of formula and posted in all of my local Facebook groups that whoever needed them could find them on my front porch. Since food scarcity can be embarrassing, I even gave them an alibi: “Come trick or treating on my street, the cans will be at this house number.”

Advertisement

Two days later, the formula was still there. I checked Facebook for comments on my posts and looked through my DMs — anything to indicate that someone in need was reaching out. They weren’t. I checked the news every hour to see if the SNAP snafu had been resolved. It hadn’t been.

I was determined to find the family that needed this formula for their baby. I Googled “free infant formula” and found a website that paired families who had extra formula with families who needed it. The closest match for the formula I bought was in Georgia. I’m in California. The shipping alone would take three days and cost more than the formula. I Googled food banks where I might donate the formula. They preferred to take monetary donations. Why was this so hard?

Then I remembered that I had broken the first rule of helping: I had decided what people needed instead of asking what they needed.

Advertisement

The worst part was, I knew better.

In 2006, on a disaster relief assignment following Hurricane Katrina, my team’s job was to sort through a warehouse packed floor to ceiling with boxes of donated items that were mostly useless. In one particularly thoughtless black garbage bag, I found a single shoe and a moth-eaten sweater that had food dried on it. Six months after the hurricane struck land, these donations were still sitting there, helping no one. Ironically, dealing with all this junk was taking resources away from assisting the survivors.

Ernesto Sirolli, who gave the famous TED talk “Want to Help Someone? Shut Up and Listen!” once said, “When we show up and tell people what they need, that’s not philanthropy. It’s imperialism.”

Embarrassingly, the only people who responded to my Facebook posts were other neighbors who didn’t need formula, saying, “God bless you! You’re so good!” In trying to be Elphaba, I had accidentally pulled a Glinda — even though I knew better. Why do we do this?

Advertisement

I think it goes like this. When many Americans see a problem, they spring into action. We want to help. But without enough context for how to help, we end up reverting to the etiquette for the next closest thing — gifting. In gifting etiquette, you are expected to predict what the recipient wants. In return, the recipient is expected to be thankful regardless of whether you got it right because it’s the thought that counts.

Unfortunately, that’s why you sometimes hear people get huffy when a homeless person turns down their generous offer of a food item or meal they don’t like. “If they were really hungry, they’d be grateful for anything. Furthermore, no one acknowledged my thoughtfulness. Zero stars.”

Helping is not like gifting. When babies are hungry, it’s not the thought that counts.

After I finished thunking my own forehead six times (one for each can of Parent’s Choice Advanced I’d bought), I returned the formula and sent the money to the local food bank like I should have done in the first place. They already serve families who experience food insecurity and therefore know what items those families are asking for — AND the money goes further due to nonprofit discounts and matching grants.

Advertisement

When I returned the formula, the person at customer service asked, “Was there anything wrong with it?”

No, I’m just bad at helping. I’m getting better.

My husband still hasn’t asked what that was all about.

Emma Fulenwider is a writer and self-proclaimed book junkie. As such, she is a literary agent, contest judge for Writer’s Digest, reader for the Black Fork Review and founded the Birren Center anthology series. She is pursuing an MFA in Creative Writing from Ashland University and in 2024 released a satirical children’s book, “The Very Busy Writer,” which Kirkus called “a relatable read for writers.” Emma lives in California.

Do you have a compelling personal story you’d like to see published on HuffPost? Find out what we’re looking for here and send us a pitch at pitch@huffpost.com.

How Good Is ChatGPT at Giving Life Advice, Really?

We let AI solve our everyday relationship problems. Here’s how its suggestions compared to a human therapist’s.

By Jenna Ryu

Save this story

Admitting to using AI usually elicits one of two reactions: an enthusiastic “Isn’t technology great???” or a more skeptical eye-roll from someone who dreads a future resembling the once-fictional Her.

I used to be more like the latter until last Wednesday night, when my loud neighbors decided to host a rowdy get-together at 1 a.m. What I needed was a text message script—a kinder, more socially acceptable way of saying “Can you STFU” without making our next elevator run-in super awkward. So I turned to ChatGPT as a desperate, last-ditch effort. Long story short? No more late-night noise—and we’re still on great terms.

While there’s been plenty of chatter about all the ways AI could ruin our lives (and don’t worry, we’ll get into that), this surprisingly useful moment made me wonder: Well, what else could ChatGPT be good for? Sure, I wouldn’t expect an algorithm to solve nuanced existential questions about whether to end a long-term relationship or how to finally “fix” my seasonal depression. But when it comes to uncomfortable everyday conversations, maybe, just maybe, it’s got some potential.

WATCH THISWhat, Exactly, Is Bipolar Disorder?

So being the ever-curious journalist, I decided to throw a few of my own relationship dilemmas at ChatGPT to see what kind of advice it could offer. Then to get a sense of how solid those suggestions were, I tapped real, very qualified human therapists to evaluate them. And finally, we rated the ChatGPT’s answers on a scale of 1 to 10. Here’s where AI really showed promise in helping us navigate awkward, difficult scenarios with the right words—and where it fell short.

---

1. Telling a messy partner or roommate to be cleaner.

Question: How do I tell my partner I want them to be a little cleaner without nagging or micro-managing?

ChatGPT answer: Hey, can we talk about something real quick? I’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed by the mess lately—it’s not a huge thing, but it’s been kind of wearing on me. I totally get that we both have different thresholds for clutter, and I’m not expecting perfection at all. But it would mean a lot to me if we could both be a bit more mindful about keeping things tidier. I think it’d make the space feel a lot nicer for both of us.

Therapist says: This response isn’t terrible, Ciara Bogdanovic, LMFT, owner and founder at Sagebrush Psychotherapy in Los Angeles, tells SELF. It does a good job of acknowledging the other person’s perspective. “But it wasn’t done in a way that I think was very effective,” Bogdanovic says. For instance, the request to “be more mindful” is way too vague. “It’s difficult to get a result when you’re not being explicit and clear,” she says, suggesting you spell it out for them instead. Straight-up ask your SO to fold and put away the laundry, or make it clear you’d appreciate the dishes being done within, say, 24 hours. The more direct you are, the more likely you’ll see the change you’re hoping for.

Score: 6.5/10

2. Negotiating your rent in the most convincing and respectful way

Question: My landlord raised our rent, and I want to ask if there’s any way to lower it or at least keep it at the current price. What’s the best way to respond and ask for this?

SELF Daily

Get healthier and happier with expert advice delivered to your inbox daily.SIGN UP

By signing up, you agree to our user agreement (including class action waiver and arbitration provisions), and acknowledge our privacy policy.

ChatGPT answer: Hi [Landlord’s Name],

Thank you for the notice about the upcoming rent increase. I understand that costs are going up, but I wanted to reach out and see if there’s any flexibility in the new rate or a way to keep the rent at the current price.

I’ve really enjoyed living here and have tried to be a reliable and respectful tenant—always paying on time and taking good care of the property. If it’s possible to reconsider the increase or perhaps negotiate a smaller adjustment, I’d greatly appreciate it.

Please let me know if you’d be open to discussing options. I’d love to continue living here long-term if we can work something out. Thanks again for your time and understanding!

Therapist says: “I notice that ChatGPT seems to do the best in these middle ground interactions,” Ari Lakritz, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at OSF Healthcare in Alton, Illinois, tells SELF. “Those cordial relationships with people who aren’t really a close friend or family member.” ChatGPT’s answer here is respectful, assertive, and professional by our human therapists’ standards, but would be best received if you communicated it to your landlord over the phone or face-to-face. “People are generally more receptive and empathetic in person, slightly less so over the phone,” he adds. So maybe don’t copy and paste this into the body of an email.

Score: 9/10

3. Reaching out to a distant friend you’ve lost touch with

Question: I want to check in with a friend I’ve lost touch with. It’s been years, so it’s definitely out of the blue. What can I say that’s natural and not awkward?

ChatGPT answer: Hey, I know it’s been a long time, but you crossed my mind recently and I just wanted to say hi. I’ve been wondering how you’re doing and would love to catch up sometime if you’re up for it—no pressure at all, just thought I’d reach out. Hope things have been good on your end 🙂

Therapist says: According to Dr. Lakritz, this is one of those moments where AI still doesn’t quite nail how people actually talk. “This sounds really generic,” he says. Instead, “I would start with a shared memory or joke to personalize the message.” Think a quick, “Saw our favorite happy hour spot and thought of you,” or opening with a go-to meme. And don’t stop there: “I’d want to see some follow-up or a clear next step,” he adds. “Are you coming to their town and want to meet up? Do you want to set up time for a phone call?” That personal, nostalgic touch + clarity = a much better shot at actually reconnecting.

Score: 4/10

4. Voicing my feelings about being left out

Question: How do I tell a friend I wish they had invited me to their group hangout without inserting myself or seeming needy? Or is it best to not say anything?

ChatGPT answer: Whether or not to say something depends a bit on:

• How close you are to the person.
• Whether this was a one-time thing or part of a pattern.
• How much it’s actually bothering you.

If it’s just lingering enough that you’d like to clear the air, here’s a way to frame it that’s low-pressure and self-aware: “Hey, I saw you all hung out the other night—it looked like fun! I’d love to come next time if there’s room. No pressure, just miss seeing everyone!”

Therapist says: The advice is pretty solid, according to Jordan Conrad, PhD, LCSW, founder and clinical director of Madison Park Psychotherapy in New York City. It avoids jumping straight into blame or confrontation. But where a real, qualified therapist would shine is in helping you dig deeper into those feelings of exclusion or FOMO before rushing into the quick fix.

“A therapist wouldn’t just gear you towards an answer or a nice way to communicate,” Dr. Conrad tells SELF. “They’d want you to explore what exactly is bothering you about being left out”—whether it’s about this particular group dynamic or your own insecurities. That way, you can gain clarity on what you truly need in the long run, like a stronger sense of belonging…or a reality check about this so-called “friendship.”

Score: 7/10

5. Politely reminding someone who still hasn’t paid you back

Question: I feel uncomfortable asking someone to Venmo me for their part of the dinner, especially since it’s a friend’s friend (someone I’m not close with). How do I nudge them to pay me back without seeming pushy or making the money talk uncomfortable?

ChatGPT Answer: Hey! Just wanted to follow up real quick about dinner the other night—I covered your part, and it came out to [$XX]. No rush, but if you can Venmo me when you get a chance, I’d appreciate it!

Therapist says: One skill Bogdanovic teaches her patients—that AI doesn’t master here—is asking for what you need with confidence. “I teach directness, along with respect and kindness,” she says, which is why softening your requests with fluffy language (“when you get a chance,” or “no rush”) weakens your message. So quit dancing around the question and just say it: “Hey, can you please Venmo me back your portion of dinner? It’s [X dollars]. Thanks!” “There’s no need to feel guilty in this scenario,” Bogdanovic points out. “Someone owes you money. You ask, they pay you back. Keep it moving.”

Score: 3/10

6. Asking to redo a service (like a manicure or haircut) without paying full price again

Question: How do I bring up to my nail tech that I actually hate the results and would like if she could redo them? I also want to imply that I’m happy to tip and will pay partially for adjustments, but I don’t want to pay for a whole separate manicure because I didn’t receive what I had asked for initially.

ChatGPT Answer: Hey, I really appreciate your time today, but I wanted to be honest—I’m not super happy with how my nails turned out. It’s not quite what I was hoping for based on what we discussed. Would you be open to adjusting them? I’d be happy to tip again and cover any additional product cost, but I’m hoping we can work something out without paying for a whole new set since it wasn’t what I asked for.

Therapist says: This response gets the green light from the human therapists we spoke with. (Well, assuming that the other person genuinely disregarded your instructions—not that you stayed silent during the appointment, only to secretly hate it or weren’t clear about your expectations from the start.) “This answer acknowledges the other person’s work respectfully and offers to meet halfway,” Dr. Lakritz says. “And that’s an excellent element of assertive communication.”

Score: 9.5/10

7. Not vibing with your friend’s new relationship

Question: I don’t like my friend’s partner. The red flags aren’t totally glaring, but they seem super codependent, and his tone towards her is often very dismissive. I personally think she can do (and deserves) better. I would love to say something to her, but should I? Is their relationship my business, even if I don’t think he treats her that well?

ChatGPT Answer: If you do decide to say something:

• Keep it gentle and centered on your concern for her, not your dislike for him.
• Avoid coming off as judgmental or like you’re telling her what to do—that often backfires.

You could say something like, “Hey, can I ask you something? I’ve noticed a few things about how [partner’s name] talks to you sometimes, and it rubs me the wrong way. I just wanted to check in—are you feeling okay in the relationship?”

Therapist says: “One question you have to ask is, Are you willing to risk the friendship over this?” Dr. Conrad says. “If they’re being physically or emotionally abused, it is worth that risk. If their partner is a snob that sucks, that’s harder to bring up.”

In this situation, both Dr. Conrad and Bogdanovic recommend pointing to something specific you witnessed. Then, ask how your friend felt (versus explaining how you felt about it): “Hey, I noticed your partner brushed you off, and I wasn’t sure how that landed for you. Are you okay? Do they usually talk to you like that?” “It’s important to respect your friend’s perspective, rather than pushing your own agenda,” Bogdanovic points out. “Ironically, if you don’t, you’ll be dismissing them too.”

Score: 6/10