29 “F—ed Around And Found Out” Stories That Have Me Simultaneously Laughing My A*** Off And Worried About The Intelligence Of Those Around Me
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Recently, Reddit user iwanttheworldnow turned to the popular r/AskReddit page to ask people, “What’s your ‘fucked around and found out’ story?” and the answers are very entertaining. Let’s cut straight to the chase — here are 30 of the best!
1.”Walking down the sidewalk in NYC with my wife, I saw a banana peel on the ground and was like, ‘Why do they always show people slipping on these? How slippery can they be?'”
“I then proceeded to put all my weight on it, and totally did the legs flying up in the air, landing on my butt thing like you see in cartoons. I looked up and my wife was rolling her eyes to the point that I think she was seriously wondering how she married me.”
2.”When I was 13, a friend and I hopped onto a slow-moving freight train for…kid reasons. Then we took a seven-hour ride through nowhere before it slowed down again.”
“Mom was pissed about that phone call.”
“How far away from home did you end up?”
“About a four-hour drive.”
3.”When I was in middle school my parents used to buy granola bars to have around as quick snacks for us kids. Well, one day they came home with a Costco-size box of Fiber One bars.”
“I had no clue what fiber did; all I knew was those bars were tasty, and I had an insatiable appetite, so I went to town.
The next day at school, my stomach was absolutely killing me. I mean it felt like steel wool was ripping around my intestines. It was so bad I had to have the school nurse call my parents to pick me up.”
“When my dad arrived he asked if I had eaten anything unusual, so I fessed up to mowing through Fiber One bars.”
NBC / Via giphy.com
“Dad: Do you know what fiber does?
Me: No.
Dad: How many did you eat?
Me: …Six.
Cue the absolutely maniacal laughter from my father. That was about 20 years ago, and I still haven’t lived that one down.”
4.”When I was a welder, we had a lot of people who thought using any kind of PPE was feminine, from old guys to brand new 18-year-olds.”
“One day a guy was using the squint method to do a vertical weld and managed to splash some of the molten metal into his eyes. He’s blind now, and due to not using the PPE provided he wasn’t able to get worker’s compensation or sue the corporation.”
5.”When I was a bouncer, there was a small scuffle at the bar, and I went to go steaming in. My workmate told me to slow down. I didn’t listen.”
“Ended up fighting a guy who played for the Leicester Tigers (rugby) and he absolutely manhandled me like I was a small child! I found out.”
6.”I put my finger on a hot car cigarette lighter. I didn’t think it was hot because it wasn’t red, it was white. Btw, this was like 45 years ago.”
7.”My neighbor was remodeling her attic into a game room. She had stacks of beautiful old furniture, including a Tiffany-esque lamp. She asked me if I wanted it but warned me it would probably need to be rewired because it was from 1910 or something.”
“I got it home, cleaned it thoroughly, and plugged it in to admire the glass panels. Great, worked fine. Then I went to move it and touched the bottom while it was plugged in (the metal base was missing a part).
The resulting shock gave me a glimpse of the afterlife, and I sat there stunned for about 20 seconds checking if my heart was still beating. Yes, it did need to be rewired.”
8.”I got my finger stuck in a bottle trying to get more cream out. My finger quickly became swollen and purple, and I had to go to the ER.”
“I had the rubber part of an earbud come off in my ear because I pushed it in too far. Couldn’t get it out after like an hour of trying with a pair of big tweezers I have. My girlfriend couldn’t either.
So I sheepishly walked into the ER and told the person working the desk what I did. She sort of rolled her eyes and called a nurse or something over. He laughed and grabbed a small forceps and removed it immediately. I think they took pity on my stupidity because they didn’t take down my info or charge me. An expensive stupid tax would have been somewhat justified.”
9.”Stuck my laptop charger to my tongue out of curiosity. Don’t do that.”
10.”Went bowling as a kid. Wanted to know why stepping across the foul line was such a big deal. That was how I learned bowling lanes were lubricated. And probably what a pulled groin felt like.”
11.”At 18, I had a real grown-up job and decided to splurge a bit when I got my first check. I bought a party tray of two dozen chocolate chip cookies from the local Safeway (if you know, you know) and decided to eat some. ‘Some’ turned into 24.”
Kieran Stone / Getty Images, NBC
“I shit my pants on the way to work, turned around and left, shit my pants again on the way home. Shit for two days straight.
I can’t look at a chocolate chip cookie without feeling my butthole quiver.”
12.”I was hitting a rock with a hammer as a kid. Well, the rock eventually flew up right into my eyeball. Took my family an hour to convince me that my eye didn’t pop.”
13.”My uncle gave me some M-80s. I thought it would be a good idea to light them up and put them in a large fire ant nest to get rid of the ants. Turns out, all it does is piss them off and make them airborne. I ended up getting a nice hot shower of fire ants. I don’t recommend it.”
14.”I took part in an orgy and got chlamydia. So yeah, quite literally fucked around and found out.”
ABC
15.”I worked in a nightclub. Someone attacked the bouncer and was ejected with a bop on the head and a, ‘Don’t fuckin’ come back.'”
“The guy came back; he grabbed a lady inappropriately. Two bouncers grabbed him and took him out the back door and beat the crap out of him and took his wallet. (they took it into the police station the next day.)”
16.”At work, I decided to jump over a rolled-up carpet that was blocking the aisle. Instead of carefully navigating over or around it, I decided to jump over it.”
“My toe caught on the stretch wrap and I went knee-first onto the concrete at high speed. Split my knee to the bone and I was out of work for a month.”
17.”My father told me not to cut toward myself with a pocket knife. I said that I was fine. I got four stitches in my hand that day.”
Pop TV / CBC Television
18.”I started bullying the only kid who was geekier and smaller than me in high school for one reason, and one reason only — to impress the one girl who lived next door to both of us. On day one, he kicked my ass in front of the girl.”
19.”I went to a haunted house with three people who my dad said not to go with in a neighborhood he said not to go to.”
“They started a fight with four locals. Two of them and three of us required an ambulance. I drove home alone and hurt without having any fun at all.”
20.”Went on a hike with my family as a kid. I found an old metal bar and was hitting random things with it. When we got back to the car, lo and behold I found an old WD-40 can. My old man was very specific about me not hitting it with the bar. Well, I did.”
“The explosion was immediate and intense and I was covered in old wd40. I ended up riding home in the truck bed.”
21.”I ate an entire ghost pepper on a dare. Spent the next hour crying in the bathroom with milk and yogurt. My taste buds filed for divorce that day.”
22.”I wondered if the ice was thick enough to cross the river. It wasn’t.”
“I’ll tell you, being on the wrong side of the ice can really motivate you to move fast.
Luckily, it was not a big river — I was able to get close to the bank and break back through there.”
23.”When I was 8, my parents wouldn’t let me have a bike. I borrowed my friend’s bike, fell off, and fractured my skull. 💀”
24.”I was 4. My brother had the flu and was getting so much attention. Attention I wanted.”
“4-year-old me proceeds to run out in the middle of winter, all but(t) naked, screaming that I wanted the flu.
I got the flu.
I did NOT want the flu.”
25.”I didn’t do well in school. Was pushing 30 and have only worked dead-end minimum wage jobs.”
“I went back to school at night at 30. I’m 45 now and things are so much better because I didn’t fuck it up the second time.”
26.”The first week Pokemon Go came out, it was rumored that ghost Pokemon could only be found in cemeteries. ‘The biggest one In LA should work,’ I thought, so I drove myself there.
“As I was driving through, there were several funerals taking place, and I just thought about how morally wrong this was, and I shouldn’t be doing it. But I pressed on…”
“I found a hillside to park with no one around, got out of the car, and started roaming around with my phone. About 20 seconds into looking, I heard some pound horns blowing and witnessed half the hillside explode, like giant explosions triggered one after another, 100 yards away.”
“A giant wall of dirt and dust almost got me as I jumped back into my car. A few guys in construction outfits came up to me a minute later, asking how I got there. I pointed out the roadway, which they realized they hadn’t blocked off. Nothing more was said, and I left.
Needless to say, fucked around looking for ghost Pokemon and almost became one.”
27.”I was roughly 14 years old, and this was before cell phones/smartphones. I was shooting a BB gun in the desert, plinking cans and bottles in triple-digit weather. About a mile away, there was always a line of old freight cars on a set of tracks.”
“I walked over and shot at them for a bit, and eventually climbed into one of the cars. The interior was shaped like a ‘W’ with the center crest only about half the height of the walls, and a dead coyote was chillin’ at the bottom of one of the bays. I didn’t realize I fucked up until after jumping in.”
“There was no ladder inside the car. Just steep inclines and vertical metal. I spent the next two hours repeatedly trying to run up the incline and grab the ledge to no avail.”
“Sweltering hot and exhausted, I kinda resigned myself to my fate, same as the coyote. I tried again after another hour or so, and FINALLY managed to frantically grab the ledge and climb out.
DO NOT FUCK WITH TRAINS.”
28.”Got a cut on my finger working in a warehouse about a decade ago. One particular coworker made fun of me for cleaning it and putting a bandaid on. Not one hour later, he got almost exactly the same cut, but just kept working to ‘show me how a man does it.'”
“The next day I come into work with a fully healed finger. He comes in with a sore red finger. After a couple days of it getting worse, he eventually goes to see a doctor.
Turns out his finger got infected. He almost got part of his finger amputated, missed time at work, and had to (mostly) pay out of pocket for antibiotics. That is apparently the ‘manly’ way to deal with a small cut.”
29.And finally: “I was a 7-year-old at a kid’s party and we all walked down to the bodega on the corner for slushies. I finished mine, and while we were all hanging out at the pool, I noticed another girl’s unattended slushie.”
“I was still thirsty and being a greedy little shit, so I put the straw to my lips for a sip.
I just didn’t realize a bee was stuck upside down in the straw, stinger first. Stinger meets lip. Swollen for days.
Greatest story of karma I’ve ever encountered.”
“Almost the exact same thing happened to me! But it was a can of Coca-Cola I left unwatched for a few minutes…”
Nurphoto / NurPhoto via Getty Images, Bsip / Universal Images Group via Getty Images
The Five Phases a Cheater Goes Through After an Affair is Discovered
After an affair is discovered, in most cases a metamorphosis begins for the unfaithful spouse.
By Doug
Up until that time he/she may have been carrying on as if nothing was going on. They were stealthy in their ways and they thought they would never get caught.
Then it happens. The affair is discovered. It could have happened any number of ways; an undeleted text or email, an overheard phone call or perhaps they were caught red-handed.
Regardless, this is when the post-affair-discovery metamorphosis begins.
This post will give you an idea of what sort of phases you can expect the unfaithful partner to ‘pass through’ after their affair is discovered. I’m guessing that most of you have seen or experienced this first hand and can relate to what I’m about to share.
Keep in mind that these phases are derived from experience – both my own and from others I talk with – and are not based on research or any psychological or therapeutic principles.
One might experience all or none of the phases or elements within each phase and/or they may carry elements over into another phase or in a different order. Additionally, it’s hard to say in all cases how long each phase will last. Some folks will linger longer than others and some will even skip certain phases.
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Phase One: The ‘Tangled Web We Weave’ Phase – This phase is all about deception. When the unfaithful gets busted, most of the time they will attempt to practice the art of deception in its many dubious forms:
- Denial
- Covering up the truth
- Lying/Trickle Truth
- Secrecy
- Gaslighting/stonewalling
- Misplaced blame and anger
- Minimizing the affair relationship – “We’re just friends.”
- Excuses, rationalizations and justifications for the affair
- Rewriting the history of your relationship/marriage
- Possibly continuation of the affair is taking place
Phase Two: The ‘I Need a Fix’ Phase – More commonly referred to as the withdrawal stage. This is where the affair has ended by some means and the cheater is in a funk. They are missing their affair partner and are feeling the effects of being cut off from the ‘high’ that the AP provided. I believe this is the phase where most relapses occur. In this phase the cheater may experience the following:
- Anger
- Resentment
- Blame
- Depression
- Easily shuts down during discussions and/or arguments
- Reminiscence
- Emotionally withdrawing/distancing
- Ambivalence
- Missing/longing for their affair partner. They feel they need to contact the AP.
- Quiet – not talkative
Phase Three: The ‘Hamster Wheel’ Phase – This frustrating phase is often where nothing seems to be happening. There’s no progress in the relationship and the unfaithful isn’t doing anything to make the situation any better. Lots of wheel-spinning going on. This may be the phase where many marriages either make it or they fall apart and the CS never continues to the next phase as a married person. Here are some common traits of this phase:
- Doesn’t want to talk about anything affair related
- Just wants to “move on.”
- Desire to sweep things under the rug
- Short temper
- Seems to just be going through the motions and not really emotionally involved
- They may have feelings of guilt, remorse and self-loathing to some degree
- Stonewalling
- More ambivalence
- May make some attempts at reengaging with the BS
- May start to really understand the damage that the affair has caused but doesn’t necessarily do anything about it.
Phase Four: The ‘Head Out of the Ass’ Phase – This is when the unfaithful who wants to reconcile starts to ‘get it’ and figure things out. It’s obvious that the affair is truly over and they are doing their best to try and rebuild all that they have destroyed. Here is what you might see:
- Greater feelings of guilt and self-loathing
- Will provide details and answer questions about the affair
- Open to individual and/or joint counseling
- Being transparent in word and action
- Truly regret their behavior and the damage the affair caused
- Begins to reflect and be introspective
- Begins to make personal changes/showing growth
- Remorseful and atoning for misdeeds
- Open to self-forgiveness but may still be difficult for him/her
- No residual feelings for AP and realizes fantasy aspect to the affair
- Desire to reconnect, rebuild and re-commit
Phase Five: The ‘Every Thing is Just Peachy’ Phase – In this phase after an affair is discovered, the ex-cheater is feeling good about things. Trust has been rebuilt to some extent, the relationship seems to be going great and the future of the marriage is very promising. It’s important not to get lazy though. Here’s what to expect:
- Continued personal improvement/development
- May get a bit complacent in their marriage building efforts
- There may be some backsliding towards past relational habits
- If the BS brings up the affair, wanting to talk about it, the ex-cheater may either do so without issue or may be reluctant and even have a “You’ve got to be kidding me – that’s in the past!” attitude.
- Continued transparency
- Proactive, effective communication
- Still may have some residual self-forgiveness issues
- Committed to the marriage and intimate monogamy
Photo by tommaso79
How Are Most Affairs Discovered?
I also thought it would be a good idea to mention the various ways that many affairs are discovered by the cheater’s partner. Here are 30 common, rare, and perhaps even unusual ways that affairs are discovered – in no particular order:
- Suspicious behavior: The betrayed partner notices changes in their partner’s behavior, such as being more secretive, defensive, or distant.
- Phone or computer snooping: The betrayed partner discovers incriminating messages, emails, or photos on their partner’s phone or computer. (This is how my affair was discovered by Linda. )
- Unexplained absences: The cheating partner frequently comes home late or spends an unusual amount of time away without providing a valid explanation.
- Unusual expenditures: Suspicious financial transactions, like unexplained charges or withdrawals, can raise suspicions.
- Changes in appearance: The cheating partner suddenly starts dressing differently, paying more attention to their physical appearance, or using new perfumes/colognes.
- Emotional distance: The cheating partner becomes emotionally distant, showing a lack of interest or investment in the relationship.
- A “gut feeling”: The betrayed partner may have a gut feeling that something is wrong and confronts their partner based on that intuition.
- Physical evidence: Finding items like receipts, hotel keys, or gifts that the cheating partner cannot explain.
- Frequent use of social media: The cheating partner becomes unusually active on social media or starts using it more frequently, leading to suspicions.
- Changes in sexual behavior: The cheating partner may exhibit a sudden increase or decrease in sexual desire, or display new techniques or preferences.
- Changes in communication patterns: The cheating partner may start avoiding certain topics, using coded language, or becoming overly defensive about their privacy.
- Inconsistent stories: The cheating partner may provide conflicting or inconsistent explanations for their whereabouts or actions.
- Lack of interest in shared activities: The unfaithful person loses interest in participating in activities they previously enjoyed with their partner.
- Unexplained charges on credit card statements: The betrayed partner discovers unfamiliar charges for hotels, restaurants, or gifts on credit card statements.
- Changes in work routine: The cheating partner suddenly starts working longer hours, going on frequent business trips, or attending more work-related events.
- Neglecting responsibilities: The cheating partner begins to neglect household chores, parenting duties, or other responsibilities within the relationship.
- Anonymous tips or information from others: Someone close to the cheating partner may anonymously reveal the affair to the betrayed partner.
- Changes in social circle: The cheating partner starts spending more time with a new group of friends or acquaintances without a reasonable explanation.
- Sexual health issues: The betrayed partner discovers they have contracted a sexually transmitted disease (STD) despite both partners being claiming to be monogamous.
- Discovery by a friend or family member: Someone close to the cheating partner may accidentally or intentionally reveal the affair to the betrayed partner.
- Change in sleep patterns: The cheating partner may stay awake late at night or receive late-night phone calls, raising suspicions.
- Guilt-driven behavior: The cheating partner may display signs of guilt, such as being overly affectionate, buying gifts, or being excessively attentive.
- Sudden interest in privacy: The cheating partner becomes defensive about their privacy, such as changing passwords or locking their phone.
- Unusual emotional reactions: The cheating partner may become overly defensive, angry, or accusatory when confronted about their behavior.
- Lack of interest in intimacy: The cheating partner shows a decrease in physical or emotional intimacy with their partner.
- Spying or surveillance: In some cases, partners may resort to spying or using surveillance equipment to catch their spouse cheating. Or perhaps they hire a private investigator to uncover the truth.
- Confessions: Sometimes, the unfaithful partner may slip up and unintentionally reveal information about their affair, or they may be overcome with guilt and decide to confess voluntarily.
- Overheard conversations: Accidentally overhearing a private conversation or phone call can expose an affair.
- Scent or perfume: Detecting an unfamiliar scent or perfume on a partner’s clothing is a huge red flag.
- GPS tracking: Some partners may resort to tracking their spouse’s location using GPS technology, revealing suspicious whereabouts.
Okay, I think that’s about it. I’m sure that there are some more ways that affairs are discovered, so feel free to add them and share your experiences below in the comment section.
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