I’m 80 and my single daughter is bullying me into childcare
This article is more than 2 years old
Now is the time to say ‘No!’ It will feel frightening, but you must do it anyway and, with time, you will feel more confident
The question I am 80 years old. My single 50-year-old daughter has relied on me for a long time to help her with her autistic son, my grandson, now 16. Her stepfather, my husband of 40 years, has been a wonderful grandfather to him. She has lost contact with her son’s dad. The other grandparents who live close by have nothing to do with them.
Last year I had to stay at her house for three weeks while she did a course. As time went on it became clear that her course would mean she would be away on far more occasions. We sold our house in Spain so that we could be on hand even more. I found this sale stressful and my health deteriorated during that time. The completion date was to be on a day when she wanted me to be with our grandson. I told her I would have to be in Spain and she was extremely nasty, bullying me into changing the day to suit her. We had to change the documents and rush everything. We then had to dash up by car to look after my grandson.
This year an elderly relative died, leaving my niece and me to sort out my father’s house – he died 30 years ago – and put it on the market. Again, my daughter said it was inconvenient for her and I would have to join the funeral online or tell the family to change the day. She said I was a bad mother for not doing either of these things.
This is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of how she uses me, and has nothing but ingratitude for everything I do for her. She appears to be meek and mild, but is being horrible to me, though never in front of anyone else. She inherited plenty of money from her biological father. I know I need to step back for my own health, but how? What on earth is going on with her?
Philippa’s answer It seems your daughter is treating you as though you don’t deserve a life of your own. I have no idea what is going on with her – it seems she is acting in angry and punishing ways as though you owe her a great debt. Perhaps she is upset about her own childhood; perhaps she wants someone to blame for how hard she finds her life. I can only guess, but on reading your email I’m far more concerned about what’s going on for you. You understandably want to disprove this unhelpful label of “bad mother” and so feel obliged to stretch yourself beyond breaking point.
You are doing so much for your daughter that you have unsurprisingly become resentful. You are asking me “how” you can change things. I am presuming what is stopping you using the word “no” more often is fear of your daughter. Stretching yourself to breaking point has not stopped her manipulating you into doing more for her than is good for you. I expect you fear being on the receiving end of more of the bullying behaviour were you to stop being so obliging, but I don’t see how much worse it can get. Now is the time to say “No!” If you’ve not been in the habit of saying it before, it will feel frightening for you, but feeling the fear and doing it anyway is the key by which you do it.
You are approaching an age when it would be appropriate for caring to come your way
If she asks you to do something that brings up resentment in you, that is all the reason you need not to do it. Don’t wait for her to give you permission not to do her bidding – you would have to wait a long time.
The signs that you are being bullied are her having unrealistic expectations of you and making unreasonable demands, which you have told me about. Other traits that bullying adult children often show are: blaming you when things go wrong; invalidating your thoughts and feelings; creating unnecessary drama; guilt-inducing emotional blackmail; acting in superior and condescending ways; making you the butt of a joke or otherwise undermining you; name-calling and accusations of selfishness; giving the silent treatment; and attempting to turn other family members against you. Recognise when any of these are happening and don’t allow yourself to be manipulated by any of it. If she shows any of these types of behaviour, put down the phone or leave the room. You might not feel confident when you first start putting down boundaries, but act as though you do. Feelings follow behaviour, so you will become more confident as you get more used to not tolerating bullying behaviour.
You can also contact Age UK on 0800 678 1602. They may be able to advise you on how to further safeguard yourself from any more bullying. And if, in the future, your daughter becomes violent towards you no matter how minor you may feel it is, you can contact the police.
You are approaching an age when it would be appropriate for caring to come your way – and even if she is too self-absorbed to see this, you need to prioritise your own wellbeing. This is not selfish, it is necessary. If you go beyond your breaking point, you won’t be able to care for anyone, not even yourself.
Philippa Perry’s The Book You Want Everyone You Love* To Read *(and maybe a few you don’t) is published by Cornerstone at £18.99. Buy it for £16.14 at guardianbookshop.com
Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions
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Former NSW Police sergeant alleges homophobia from fellow officers during serviceShare article
Former NSW Police sergeant alleges homophobia from fellow officers during service
By crime reporter Lia Harris
Sun 27 Oct 2024Sunday 27 October 2024
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From a very young age, Peter had always known he wanted to be a police officer.
“I had a police station in the backyard, in our cubby house, so my parents always knew I was going to be a police officer,” he said.
Peter, who requested anonymity to protect his identity, joined the New South Wales Police Force in the late 1990s at 20 years old, but decided to keep his sexuality a secret.
“The derogatory comments towards homosexuals was constant … I thought from the very beginning the fact that I was gay was going to be an issue,” he said.
Warning: This story contains homophobic language that may offend some readers.
He kept it under wraps for the first few years of his career until he was outed at a work function by another officer in the early 2000s.
By the next morning, it had spread throughout the station.
“I went to work the next day because I had to retrieve my firearm to go down to Goulburn academy for a course and a male constable had the keys to the safe and I asked for them and he spat in my face and said ‘We don’t want your kind here’,” he said.
“There was an admin girl there who turned away like she didn’t see it.”
When Peter called his superior to report what happened, he was shocked by his response.
“He said he was disgusted in me … so I realised at that point I can’t continue the conversation, I’ve got no support,”
he said.
“The fact I was gay was more disgusting than being assaulted.”
‘For gay police … it was horrific’
Peter has recently left the NSW Police Force and spoke to ABC News because he wants to help change the toxic culture that he claims forced him out of the job the loved.
He wanted to add his voice to the dozens of other current and former officers who have spoken to the ABC with allegations of bullying, discrimination, nepotism and a dangerous lack of support for their mental health.The stories of officers who say the ‘toxic’ culture at NSW Police is driving people out of the force
An ABC investigation has uncovered allegations of bullying, sexism and a dangerous lack of support within the ranks of NSW Police.
It has already prompted NSW Police Commissioner Karen Webb to announce a formal review of the culture on the force, led by former Victorian equal opportunity human rights commissioner Kristen Hilton.
In the decade after Peter was outed at work, while the NSW Police continued to march in the annual Mardi Gras parade in public support of the LGBTQI+ community, he claims he was subjected to constant bullying because of his sexuality.
“People used to wipe down the desk or the keyboard if I’d been using it because I had germs … I had a nickname that lasted for a decade and it was to do with anal sex,” he said.
“My name was crossed off the roster, my locker was padlocked, [and I] was told in front of supervisors that people didn’t want to work with me because they’d heard who I was.
“For gay police … it was horrific … it was really hard.”
Through tears, Peter spoke about the hateful rumours he endured in about 2010.
“I was approached once by a senior constable and he said he was sorry that I was sick and I was like ‘what are you talking about?'” he said.
“He said ‘I heard you have AIDS’ … I was like ‘no, I don’t have AIDS’.
“At the time I was a little overweight, so I’d lost some weight, and that’s what they presumed, that I had AIDS.”
‘A lot of undertone’
Despite the constant bullying and discrimination, Peter never made any formal complaints throughout his career working in metropolitan NSW stations, because he believed it would only make things worse for him.
Instead, he stuck it out on the force, slowly climbing the ranks.
“The quicker I went up in rank, the quicker people couldn’t say things to my face; you weren’t going to say things like that to a sergeant,” he said.
“The community changed, not the police, but the community changed and there was a lot more legislation that made it illegal to say things like they were saying.
“But then there was a lot of undertone.”
In more recent years, Peter said the bullying and discrimination continued and officers continued openly using hateful and derogatory language to describe members of the LGBTQ+ community.
During NAIDOC week in 2018, he wanted to put the Aboriginal flag up in his station.
“As I pulled it out of the drawer I noticed that someone had drawn in black texta a penis in the middle of the yellow sun of the Aboriginal flag,” he said.
“Someone had come into my office, taken out the Aboriginal flag, knowing it was going to be put up and knowing the flag was important to me and other police in the command.”
Just last year, during WorldPride celebrations in Sydney, Peter said he overheard senior officers making “extremely homophobic” remarks about members of the LGBTQ+ community.
“Whilst I was standing with members of the Mardi Gras and other members of the trans community [I] overheard high up police saying derogatory homophobic comments,” he said.
He said he is confident those he was with also heard the remarks.
Lack of support for police, even less for gay police
Over the past decade, Peter had slowly developed severe PTSD and said he repeatedly requested promotions or transfers that would allow him a break from general duties policing.
But despite his lengthy experience and being awarded for his work, including a commissioner’s certificate of merit, he said he was never given the opportunity.
He believes he was held back because of his sexuality.
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If you have any information about a story, contact Lia Harris or you can contact us here.
“There’s not a lot of support for a lot of police, but there’s definitely not a lot of support for gay police, there’s nowhere to turn,” he said.
“One particular boss, I was told later, apparently said that he didn’t want fa***ts working upstairs.
“There were people from my class at the academy who were superintendents by the time I left … I never got the opportunity.”
Peter said the same boss who did not want him promoted called him into his office during 2020 and asked him to “research all the gay beats” in the area so they could “target them for antisocial behaviour”.
That senior officer has since retired.
After more than two decades, Peter left the force earlier this year.
He now wants to tell his story to help inform the internal NSW Police review being conducted in the hope it will change things for future generations of police.
“I have hope that it’ll change things, but it depends on how the review is conducted,” he said.
“It needs to have ex-police and serving police to make comment and there needs to be real change.”
Commissioner Webb has not yet committed to interviewing current and former officers as part of the review, but has previously told ABC News she would take advice from Ms Hilton about what is needed.
