7 Felonies You’ve Probably Committed in Your Lifetime
Can we just say…”Whoops?”
With over 3,500 federal crimes on the books, there’s a good chance you’ve committed a few without even realizing it. And as we all know, when it comes to felonies, it’s not the size of the crime that counts, but the motion filed by the lawyer representing you. Unlike misdemeanors – whose perpetrators include cow tippers, “marijuana doers,” and anyone in Oregon who dares pump their own gas – felonies will guarantee you a prison stint with the likes of Charles Manson, Hannibal Lecter, and Martha Stewart’s extremely fragile soap holder. So to help out, we at Maxim have compiled a list of seven felonies you’ve probably committed, plus the free legal advice of an unemployed lawyer.
1. Messing With Your Friend’s Facebook Page
Photo: Alan Marsh / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
The Crime: Federal Wire Fraud (18 U.S. Code §1343)
If you’ve ever returned to your open Facebook page to discover you’re “a huge a fan of Justin Bieber’s penis,” then congratulations: You’re a victim of wire fraud. On the upside, your prankster friend’s a class C felon. You can either wait for your friend to make the same mistake (by which time you’ll forget to return the prank), or take it like a man and report him to the feds. He’ll inevitably be convicted of transmitting “fraudulent information” over “wires,” and sentenced to 10 years in prison. If you return the prank, then it’s your ass in prison. Our advice? Return the prank, because prison’s sort of like Facebook: You meet new “friends,” learn what everyone did, and hope to God they like you.
2. Failing to Report Your Food Service Tips
Photo: Greg Ceo / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
The Crime: Federal Tax Evasion (Title 26 U.S. Code §7201)
We all know the drill: Get a summer job at Sizzler, collect mad tips, then stash away the proceeds in an overseas bank account. The only downside to this plan is that you’re likely committing the federal crime of tax evasion, a pesky little felony which carries with it a penalty of up to five years in prison. Our advice? The only way to defeat the IRS is to join them, which may be a little more difficult than getting a summer job at Sizzler (we’ve tried and failed at both). A better approach might be to pay back those back taxes. Trust us: The IRS would much rather take your money than your inexperienced court-appointed lawyer.
3. Egging Your Neighbor’s Mailbox
Photo: iStock | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
The Crime: Vandalism of Federal Property (Title 18 U.S. Code §1705)
Just because your neighbor leaves garbage all over his lawn doesn’t make it okay to throw an egg at his rusted mailbox. If you’re lucky enough to survive the six strains of tetanus you’ve just been exposed to, then you’ll likely be charged with vandalism of federal property – a felony punishable by up to three years in the hole, which is just enough time to deter a mailbox vandal from re-offending. Our advice? Don’t get caught. Avoid throwing eggs in broad daylight, wear surgical gloves, and never, ever leave your insurance information on a mangled mailbox. No one’s gonna fear the inmate who’s in for “vandalizing a mail receptacle.”
4. Opening Your Roommate’s Mail
Photo: Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
The Crime: Mail Tampering (Title 18 U.S. Code §1708)
That Good Housekeeping magazine you’ve been dying to read all month is probably best left unopened, unless you’re ready to face up to 10 years behind bars for tampering with your roommate’s mail. Delving into the secrets of dining room vase arrangements before the magazine’s proper recipient has had his weekly toilet read would be unforgivable under any interpretation of the guy code. On the other hand, we’ve all “accidentally” opened up our roommate’s most recent issue of European Nudist Monthly, only to be traumatized by an overabundance of natural body hair. Our advice? Use deodorant. And for the record, most juries couldn’t find Europe on a map, let alone a magazine cover, so there’s no way they’ll believe you purposefully opened up a magazine about Europe. Without the element of intent, you’re “not guilty.”
5. Downloading that Taylor Swift Song You Forgot to Buy For Your Girlfriend
The Crime: Copyright Infringement (Title 17 U.S. Code §501)
Sometimes we don’t want our credit card history to reflect a growing interest in The Little Mermaid, Cats, or endlessly lovelorn, tween-friendly country singers. So we surreptitiously download a song or two, and pretend we’re going to buy the album… uh, some other time, probably? Only now you’re guilty of the most common felony ever committed: Copyright infringement. Songs, words, and anything that’s essentially not a tree can be copyrighted, controlled, and sold for currency. To ignore this cycle of creative ownership is to risk up to 10 years in a maximum security prison (copyright violators are dangerous). Our advice? Before “borrowing” that preteen pop song for your next curling session, consider the natural talent of Taylor Swift’s legal team.
6. Giving Your Friend One of Those Blue Pills Your Doctor Prescribed
Photo: Ian Hooton / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
The Crime: Distribution of a Controlled Substance (Title 21 U.S. Code §841)
If drug companies want us to take their creations seriously, then why the hell do their creations taste like oxy-cotton candy? Candy’s addictive and easy to share with friends! On the other hand, giving away said drug candy falls under the umbrella of “Distribution of a Controlled Substance,” which isn’t really an umbrella at all, but a federal crime punishable by up to forever-time behind bars. If you wanna prevent a pound of hurt, buy yourself an ounce of prevention: Don’t give away your pills, vitamins, clothes, or food recipes… ever. Avoid giving gifts for birthdays, special occasions, or pagan holidays. Just dance for people. Your mom will find it adorable, your girlfriend will find it courageous, and your friends will never ask you for a blue pill again.
7. Using the Internet
Photo: AIMSTOCK / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
The Crime: Computer Fraud and Abuse (Title 18 U.S. Code §1030)
Those of us who’ve embraced the future to become Google zoomers, website whizzes, and email sailors, have also unwittingly embraced a world of cyber crime. For this you can thank the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act of 1986 – a little-known federal law which punishes “unauthorized” access to an electrical current with up to 10 years in prison and a free trial subscription to AOL instant. Some of the bigger offenses under the “act” include violating a website’s terms of use, lying about one’s height, and arranging an awkward encounter with Dateline‘s Chris Hansen. Our advice? Take the plea deal, avoid the Internet, and avoid socializing with people. And for goodness sake, hire a lawyer – it’s safe, they’re not technically people.
8 Ways We Regularly Commit Felonies Without Realizing It
Impact
By Laura Dimon
April 4, 2014
You might even commit a felony or two today, who knows?
The fact is that we live in an overcriminalized society where vague federal laws are dangerous for everyone, lawyers, judges and police officers included. This ambiguity invites varying interpretations and could stamp a permanent criminal record on the otherwise squeaky clean slate of an unknowing, harmless individual.
As attorney Harvey Silverglate argues in his book Three Felonies a Day, even the most honest and informed citizen “cannot predict with any reasonable assurance whether a wide range of seemingly ordinary activities might be regarded by federal prosecutors as felonies.” Silverglate even claims that the average American does something about three times a day that could be turned into a federal crime by an enterprising or overreaching prosecutor.
It seems implausible. But here are eight hypothetical situations — of many possible ones — with real instances pertaining to each.
1. You flush your sister’s marijuana down the toilet.
Real example: In 2007, a church in Greenwich, Conn. called and retained lawyer Philip Russell after they discovered child pornography on their musical director’s computer. According to the Wall Street Journal report, “Russell told the musical director to retain counsel because possession of child pornography was a federal crime. The employee resigned. The church turned the laptop over to Russell, who destroyed it. No one told the feds.” Russell was charged with obstruction of justice, a charge that can carry up to 20 years of prison time. However, the judge cited Russell’s years of good service as reason to only give him six months of home confinement, a fine of $25,000 and community service.
2. You receive an odd package.
Real example: Robert Blandford, Diane Huang, David McNab and Abner Schoenwetter — three American seafood dealers and one Honduran lobster-fleet owner — had no prior records. Yet they were given hard time in 2001 for “importing lobster tails that were the wrong size and that were packaged in clear plastic bags rather than in cardboard boxes.” The three men were sentenced to eight years; Huang, the mother of two young children, was sentenced to two.
3. You take a fake sick day.
Real example: This statute was so vague that a few years ago, the Supreme Court ammended it to apply only to “bribes” or “kickbacks” that illegally influenced lawmakers. Regardless of Court’s rewriting, Cato Institute policy analyst David Rittgers wrote that “little has changed” in how ambiguous the statute is. As Justice Scalia stated, it still criminalizes “a salaried employee’s phoning in sick to go to a ball game.”
4. You get lost in the woods.
Real example: In 1996 well-known automobile racer Bobby Unser was convicted of a federal crime and sentenced to six months in prison. Why? Because he got lost in a blizzard in Colorado for two days while snowmobiling, and was guilty of “unlawful operation of a snowmobile within a National Forest Wilderness Area.”
5. You’re a journalist with an anonymous source.
Real example: James Rosen is a news reporter for Fox. In 2009 he had several contacts with a State Department employee. The FBI, in order to obtain a search warrant to look at Rosen’s phone records and email, claimed that Rosen had violated espionage laws. Judge Andrew Napolitano said, “This is the first time that the federal government has moved to this level of taking ordinary, reasonable, traditional, lawful reporter skills and claiming they constitute criminal behavior.”
6. You email your family and friends to tell them not to use the services provided by your old company.
Real example: In 2000 Bret McDanel served 16 months in prison after he alerted customers of his old company, Tornado Development, about a software problem that was never fixed. He explained that the company’s email system had a flaw that could allow an attacker to gain access to a user’s email records. The prosecutors argued that McDanel had damaged Tornado’s system. Wired called McDanel a “wrongly jailed security whistleblower.”
7. You tell a park ranger that you cleaned up your picnic table.
Real example: In 2008 Emadeddin Z. Muntasser was sentenced in U.S. District Court to a year in prison for lying to an FBI agent when he denied traveling to Afghanistan years earlier. The transcript suggests that Muntasser was not purposefully trying to deceive interrogators, but rather had doubts about his original answer and felt he needed advice from legal counsel. The point here is that the wording of the very serious charge is open to interpretation at best.
8. You create a website for a religious charity.
Real example: Sami Omar al-Hussayen was a PhD student in Idaho. In 2004 he went to trial for providing “expert guidance or assistance” to terrorist groups. In reality, he was the technical web editor for several Islamic organizations and he inadvertently helped to maintain sites that had links to groups that praised suicide bombings in Chechnya and Israel. But al-Hussayen himself did not hold those views, his lawyers said, and they successfully argued that he could not be held criminally liable for what others wrote.
