Couples who bond over this nasty habit are happier, study reveals: ‘Partners are on the same team’
Did you hear? Couples that gossip together stay together.
A new study from UC Riverside, titled “Spill the Tea, Honey: Gossiping Predicts Well-Being in Same- and Different-Gender Couples,” revealed that couples who gossip together are not only bonded more deeply but also happier and more satisfied in their romance.
“Whether or not we want to admit it, everyone gossips,” Chandler Spahr, first author of the study, told UC Riverside. “Gossip is ubiquitous.”
And that might not be such a bad thing.
A team of researchers tracked 76 romantic couples — both same-gender and different-gender — using a portable listening device called the Electronically Activated Recorder (EAR).
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This device passively recorded snippets of daily conversation.
However, it is worth noting that the device captured only about 14% of participants’ daily speech, and all the couples recorded were from Southern California.
According to the results, participants gossiped for an average of 38 minutes per day — with nearly 29 of those minutes spent gossiping with their partner.
And everyone was better off for it.
Across the board, couples who gossiped more frequently reported higher levels of personal happiness. Gossip was also linked to better relationship quality, although the effect was slightly less pronounced.
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Same-sex couples overall reported higher well-being than their different-sex counterparts — especially woman-woman couples.
Senior author Megan Robbins explained that gossiping may function as a tool of emotional intimacy.
For example, she noted that often after leaving social gatherings together, couples will rehash what they learned from and thought of everybody else in the room.
This kind of post-event gossip — whether playfully catty or positively reflective — helps reinforce emotional alignment and feelings of closeness, trust and solidarity.
“Negatively gossiping with one’s romantic partner on the way home from a party could signal that the couple’s bond is stronger than with their friends at the party, while positively gossiping could prolong the fun experiences,” the study authors wrote.
“It may reinforce the perception that partners are ‘on the same team,’ enhancing feelings of connectedness, trust and other positive relationship qualities, as well as contributing to overall well-being.”
Certified sex and relationship expert Dr. Shamyra Howard explained to The Post that gossiping enhances both emotional and social intimacy — two key types of intimacy.
She defined emotional intimacy as being built when you share feelings, reactions and little behind-the-scenes truths with your partner and social intimacy as how you navigate the world together.
“Whether it’s harmless gossip, cultural commentary, or your own daily reflections, the magic is in sharing a perspective that belongs to just the two of you. That’s what keeps the bond strong,” she told The Post.
This research builds on Robbins’ earlier 2019 study, which debunked popular myths about gossip — like the belief that women gossip more maliciously or that poorer people gossip more often.
That study found the truth to be more nuanced, suggesting gossip is neither inherently bad nor limited to any one demographic.
Meanwhile, in the new study, researchers didn’t distinguish between positive, negative or neutral gossip, proving that it’s the act of sharing perspectives that counts.
So, if you’re one of the many Americans who say they’re too stressed about money to have sex, maybe try spilling some tea to feel connected to your partner.
However, gossiping isn’t the only way couples can connect on this level.29
What do you think? Post a comment.
Dr. Howard shared five ways to connect emotionally and socially that don’t have to do with talking about others:
1. Debrief your day together. Share the high points, the low points and the “you won’t believe what happened” moments.
2. React to art or media. Watch a show, read an article or listen to a podcast together and compare thoughts.
3. Plan and reflect on shared experiences. From trips to date nights, reliving and dreaming build your shared story.
4. Swap personal observations. Notice little changes in your environment or community and talk about them.
5. Ask: “What’s your take?” Give each other a random topic, and see where the conversation goes.
Couples Who Play Together Stay Together. Not In My Experience.
I hoped play would keep my marriage going, but it wasn’t enough
Nov 20, 2024
You might have seen the theme of today’s essay. It’s based on a popular Substack Note of mine. I hope you like it!
Dear Friend,
Have you heard the saying, “Couples who play together stay together”? This quote from a Patagonia catalog gave me a glimmer of hope when I first read it.
The idea behind it is simple: doing things you both love is the key to a successful relationship. After all, shared experiences are a blast—they strengthen your bond and create memories that will last a lifetime. Many people believe your relationship will thrive if you keep the fun alive.
Well, let me tell you, that wasn’t the case for me.
My ex-wife and I met during a yoga class. We both loved wellness, so it was a perfect match. We spent our days exploring the world together. We’d walk to the library, grab a cup of coffee at our favorite cafe, go hiking and climbing mountains, backpack through beautiful wilderness, and even road-tripped across the country from Boulder to Chicago, San Francisco to Vancouver, and beyond. Hell, we even watched Alias together.
On the surface, we seemed to have it all. We were doing things we enjoyed, so why wouldn’t our relationship work? A fellow yogi even commented on how beautiful we were as a couple lol.
But here’s the thing: healing and growth were missing behind all the play and adventure. Over time, I realized that people who heal and grow together—not just play together—are the ones who stay together.
I know it’s easy to see the appeal of believing that doing fun things is enough to keep a relationship going. Play is fun and helps us take a break from the weight of our daily responsibilities. But it doesn’t do much to help us navigate the inevitable challenges of intimacy.
Play kept my marriage going for years. During the week, we worked, practiced yoga, and enjoyed delicious dinners followed by our favorite shows, like Six Feet Under. We spent weekends exploring nature and the city and even vacationed up to two months a year. Life felt purposeful and enjoyable.
When childhood wounds recur or challenging choices demand our attention, we often use fun activities to avoid dealing with the growing issues. However, we lacked the experience or skills to face those uncomfortable truths head-on, so we became emotionally detached.
Healing is about processing and integrating those wounds that keep us from being fully present and emotionally available to each other. It means working with old patterns of relating, like fear, control, blame, and rejection, which get in the way of deep connection. Healing isn’t just about you—your partner’s healing is just as important. You create a safe space where you both can do your inner work.
Growth happens when your relationship starts, and it means evolving beyond your current level of awareness. Together, you become wiser, more resilient, and more accepting of each other’s limitations. Growth keeps a relationship moving forward—it’s either growing or dying, never staying stuck in a rut.
Growth requires awareness of the need for change, trust in the possibility of change, and the courage to be vulnerable and have tough conversations—not just for one’s own sake but for the sake of the relationship. In my marriage, we avoided difficult conversations. We’d distract ourselves with play, activities, and work instead of talking about our pain, needs, and wants.
We played together, but never as a team. We grew individually but never as a partnership.
I felt lonelier than ever in my marriage, and I knew my ex-wife must have felt the same way. I couldn’t put my finger on what I was feeling beyond loneliness, anger, and sadness, and I was afraid to talk about these emotions or ask about hers. Instead, I stuck to my old strategy: numb myself, maintain a cold war, and hope that our relationship would magically improve if I were just positive enough.
Imagine what my marriage would have been like if we had focused on healing and personal growth. It would have started with a clear commitment to being partners and being open and honest. My ex-wife and I needed to be candid about ourselves—our hurts, weaknesses, and fears. This meant building trust and feeling safe through honest conversations.
We would have also supported each other’s personal development. This meant being consistent as we worked through our pain and encouraging each other to grow in ways that helped our relationship. Instead of trying to fix each other, we would have created a safe space where healing could happen.
Additionally, we would have faced challenging issues together. This might have involved couples therapy, spiritual work, or regular, honest conversations about our feelings. Growth doesn’t happen when things are easy. It happens when things get tough, and both partners are committed to staying in the relationship and putting in the effort. In reality, even if we had done all these things, there’s no guarantee that our relationship would have lasted.
After my marriage ended, I realized a truth borrowed from the Peter Principle: A relationship does not rise to its level of maturity. It falls to its level of immaturity.
Ultimately, my marriage ended not because we didn’t have fun or do things together but because we didn’t mature with the challenges. While fun and shared experiences are essential, they’re not enough alone. The truth is that people who heal and grow together stay together. Couples willing to look inward, confront their weaknesses, and face life’s challenges together develop a deeper, more intimate, and lasting connection.
Today, I’m working on a relationship rooted in partnership, mutual acceptance and supporting each other’s growth and healing while laughing, sharing experiences and having fun.
Keep growing together,
Ryan
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