When Kids Get Ugly: How to Stop Threats and Verbal Abuse

By James Lehman, MSW

If your child doesn’t want to go to school, resists getting dressed, has behavior problems in school and at home, and is threatening you and being verbally abusive, know that his whole level of functioning is off. Being abusive to his siblings or to you is only one piece of it.

Before we discuss ways to stop verbal abuse, threats, and intimidation, I want to say that these are very difficult issues to deal with. This type of behavior is generally a manifestation of a much bigger problem that is going on with your child.

While I’m going to try to focus attention on these individual behaviors in this article, I can’t stress enough that parents need to have a systematic way of dealing with these problems so that they don’t simply move from crisis to crisis with their child.

Parents need a comprehensive structure, a set of guidelines and procedures from which they can draw guidance and strength in order to deal with these very serious things as they occur.

There’s No Excuse for Abuse

There is no excuse for abuse, physical or otherwise. That rule should be written on an index card with a black magic marker and posted on your refrigerator. The message to your child is:

“If you’re abusive, there’s no excuse. I don’t want to hear what the reason was. There’s no justification for it. There’s nobody you can blame. You are responsible and accountable for your abusive behavior. And by ‘responsible,’ I mean it’s nobody else’s fault, and by ‘accountable’ I mean there will be consequences.”

Sibling Abuse

Many siblings will tease each other excessively from time to time and even have physical fights with each other. This is normal sibling rivalry. What’s not normal and not acceptable is the situation where one sibling is picking on, demoralizing, and targeting a younger or weaker sibling. This is abuse and should not be taken lightly. And when you see a situation where there’s clearly a perpetrator and clearly a victim, it has to be dealt with in the strictest, sternest ways.

Remember this: if you have an older child who’s abusive, and you let that child get away with this kind of behavior, your younger child will start to realize that his sibling is more powerful than you are as a parent.

The younger child will begin to think that you can’t keep him safe from his older sibling. Once he realizes that, the next thing he’ll start to do is give in to his older sibling. You’ll hear the oldest sibling say abusive and foul things and then you’ll hear the younger kid say, “I’m sorry.”

These are very powerful, damaging things to be happening in the family and should not be taken lightly. As far as the nature of the consequences or the nature of the limits set in this situation, again, that belongs to a more comprehensive discussion about how families should run and how parents should manage their families using a comprehensive structure.

When your child abuses anyone in your family, tell him:

“There’s no excuse for abuse. You’re not allowed to abuse people. Go to your room.”

Abusive Kids Blame the Victim

Be prepared for him to blame the victim because that’s what abusive people do. It’s an easy way out. Abusive people say, “I wouldn’t have abused you but you…” and fill in the blank.

So your child might say:

• “I’m sorry I hit him, but he yelled at me.”
• “I’m sorry I called her a name, but she wouldn’t let me play the video game.”

What they’re really saying is, “I’m sorry, but it was your fault.” And it means that they are not actually sorry. It means, “I’m sorry, but it’s not my responsibility.” And when kids don’t take responsibility for their behavior, they see no reason to change it.

They’ve just learned to mimic the words “I’m sorry,” but they are not sorry at all. It becomes another false social construct that comes out of their mouths without any meaning or understanding behind it whatsoever. And if you buy into it, you’re allowing that child to continue his abusive behavior and excuses.

Having Problem-Solving Conversations with Your Child

Kids use abusive behavior to solve problems and to get what they want. Therefore, it’s important that kids learn to replace abusive behavior with healthier and acceptable problem-solving skills.

It’s just not enough to point out and give consequences for abusive behavior. You also have to help your child replace their inappropriate behavior with something that will help him solve his problems without getting into trouble or hurting others.

Here’s the bottom line: if we don’t help kids replace their inappropriate behavior with something healthier, they’re going keep using the inappropriate behavior. Because that’s all they know.

This is why parents need to have problem-solving conversations with their kids, so the next time their child is faced with a similar situation, their child can ask themselves what they can do to solve the problem differently. Their child will begin to consider options besides hurting someone’s feelings, being abusive, or threatening.

For instance, the next time your verbally abusive daughter calls her younger brother names and threatens him, you should not only correct her, but also have a conversation with her when things calm down. That conversation should be:

“The next time you’re frustrated, what can you do differently so you don’t get into trouble and get more consequences. What can you do to get more rewards?”

Focus on Consequences and Rewards, Not Empathy

Notice that the focus of the conversation is on avoiding consequences and getting rewards. Also, notice what the conversation is not about. It’s not about why hurting her brother is wrong. And it’s not about how badly it makes her brother feel. Parents need to understand that it doesn’t work to appeal to a sense of empathy or humanity if those traits have not yet been developed. After all, abusive people don’t really care about their victims.

Instead, I think we should be appealing to their self-interest, because self-interest is much more effective in stopping abuse. Look at it this way: if they had empathy or sympathy, they wouldn’t be doing it in the first place. Don’t get me wrong, we want our kids to learn empathy, but the goal is to stop the abusive behavior regardless of whether your child feels empathy.

Intimidation and Threats of Violence

If a parent is frightened about physically destructive behavior, destruction of property, or threats of violence, I want to be very clear about this: call the police. I know that this can be difficult for many parents, but it needs to be an option. Tell the police:

“He threatened to hurt me and I don’t feel safe with him here tonight.”

What will the police do? It’s hard to say because it depends on the officer and the department. But I’ll tell you, your child will now know that you’re not just going to sit around and be bullied. It’s not what the police do—it’s what your child will understand.

So call the police if you think you’re in danger. Call the police if you’re assaulted. And keep calling the police until they do something. Until your child stops hurting you or your property.

Related content: When to Call the Police on Your Child

If you’re frightened, make sure you don’t have weapons in the house. Make sure you don’t have violence in the house. Get rid of the violent music. If your child threatens violence or gets violent, that music should be gone, as well as video games that promote violence.

If you have an abusive child in the house, then movies, video games, and music that glorify or glamorize violence should be banned. That’s one of the things your child should lose the right to immediately. And you can say:

“You no longer have the right to listen to that kind of music because you weren’t able to manage it.”

Department of Child Services

You should also call your state’s Department of Child Services and say:

“My son is threatening me,” or “My son hit me.”

Don’t be afraid they’re going to take your child. They don’t want to take financial or legal responsibility for him unless he’s in danger. The idea is that you’re making noise. You’re creating a paper trail. And you’re letting people know that these things are happening from an early age. You are doing all this because if the day comes when your child hurts somebody, your goal is that he will be held accountable.

Parents who are afraid of their kids getting locked up for this kind of behavior do not understand the juvenile justice system. The wheels of justice turn excruciatingly slowly. Nobody wants to lock your child up.

In fact, if your child has severe behavior problems and behaves criminally at home, you’ll be lucky if somebody decides to lock him up. If he’s so out of control that the authorities hold him responsible by locking him up, so be it.

The juvenile justice system and the child welfare system are overwhelmed and under-funded. But we use them because if your kid does change, fine. If the child doesn’t change, then there’s a body of evidence that says, “This kid has been out of control for a long time.” And you’re going to want that evidence because if you’re talking to your child’s probation officer when he’s 15 or 16, you’ll be glad you have three years where you’ve documented what this kid has put you through.

Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes

If your child is starting to threaten you or abuse you verbally, is there still hope to turn his or her behavior around, even if he’s a teen? There’s always hope. But hope without action and change is pointless.

If you want your child to turn their behavior around without them making some very fundamental changes right away, I don’t hold out much hope for that. If you have a middle- to older-aged teen and they’re threatening you, being verbally abusive, and intimidating, and you’re not able or willing to take some risks, I personally don’t think there will be any turning around.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. The sooner you start, the better chance you have of changing this behavior. But it will mean changing your whole family dynamic.

In other words, if you want to change the way your child is doing things, you’re going to have to change the way your whole family is doing things.

Related Content:
When Kids Get Violent: “There’s No Excuse for Abuse”
The Lost Children: When Behavior Problems Traumatize Siblings

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About James Lehman, MSW

James Lehman, who dedicated his life to behaviorally troubled youth, created The Total Transformation®, The Complete Guide to Consequences™, Getting Through To Your Child™, and Two Parents One Plan™, from a place of professional and personal experience. Having had severe behavioral problems himself as a child, he was inspired to focus on behavioral management professionally. Together with his wife, Janet Lehman, he developed an approach to managing children and teens that challenges them to solve their own problems without hiding behind disrespectful, obnoxious or abusive behavior. Empowering Parents now brings this insightful and impactful program directly to homes around the globe.

Comments (54)

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• ShirleyMy child is an adult and her verbal abuse started in adulthood. She sends ugly emails and blames us for everything. She’s been estranged for several years. She was a sweet child and I don’t know what changed. I wish she had displayed bad behavior as a child, so weMore
• SadandtiredI have a 21 year old son. He’s had a hard life of wrong choices at home and in school. He got diagnosed with ADHD in 1st grade. He’s always been destructive and mouthy. Angers easily. Since he turned 21 about a month ago he’s now drinking. Daily. He’s so verbally abusive to me and my youngest son. He doesn’t have a relationship with any of his 4 siblings for so many reasons. He does and says all he can to be hurtful and hateful. We don’t talk. At all. He hasn’t spent a holiday with us at all. He mouthed off last week and I told him if he wants to talk to me to be respectful…loving …kind…or not talk to me at all. That was last Thursday. Friday came and I found a picture of me on my table by my recliner and the picture was ripped into 4 pieces. I left it there. Saturday came and I took my youngest 2 bowling and came home 2 hours later…same picture on my table now 2 of the pieces are half burnt. Fast-forward to today and he just leaves it’s 10:45 and he starts a song that says “RUNNING OUT OF TIME” as he walks out the door.His dad use to beat me. I left him when my son was about 2. I am feeling the same as I did when I was with his dad…but because of my son.I see this kind of stuff on TV. I’m taking all of these things he is doing as threats.It’s breaking my soul because he is in school to be a nurse. He is so respectful to others. He’s so kind and polite. He’s making straight A’s in college.But I think something bad is going to happen.I’m so lost. I know I have other kids to protect. I don’t want to kick him out and make him homeless. We’ve been homeless before.He needs help. I need help.I hate living in Paranoia again.How do I get my son help without ruining his life and making him hate me more.
  • Denise Rowden, Parent CoachEP CoachThank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents. I can understand your distress. The question really is whether or not your son wants help. Being that he is now an adult, there may not be much you can do in that regard. Parenting adult children really is about the parent determining what their boundaries are and deciding whether or not they will support the choices their adult child is making. If your son is starting to threaten you, even in a passive aggressive manner, it’s important to take steps to protect yourself and the other members of the family. To that end, it may be helpful to see what types of support services are available in your area.If you live in the US or Canada, you could contact the 211 National Helpline, a referral service available 24 hours a day, nationwide. They can give you information on the types of support services available in your area such as counselors, therapists, support groups/kinship services as well as various other resources. You can reach the Helpline by calling 1-800-273-6222 or by logging onto 211.org (211.ca in Canada.)We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going. Take care.
• Meg MerrietI agree with much of the article and it’s great to share resources with parents, but I would warn people against calling the police as they are not equipped to deal with family strife. Police are primarily trained to disarm and arrest people. If you want your child disarmed andMore
• Hope4EverI did it. I called the police on my 18-yr old child twice a year ago. It was emotionally excruciating. The second time, the police took my son out of our house in handcuffs. I pressed charges against him. The only time I saw my child after that was via Zoom at court dates. What gave me comfort throughout this heart wrenching ordeal was unwavering faith in God, the articles on this site, and hope my child would get the help he needed.One year later, I stand by the decision to call the police. The decision had enormous emotional cost. It severed our close family. I haven’t seen or spoken to my child in a year. My child wants nothing to do with me. Still, I persevere with reading articles on this site and praying. I have faith the story of the Prodigal Son will manifest in my family one day.
• HopefulparentHi all,Can I just say thank you for sharing so much. Probably don’t need to say this, but it’s supportive to hear of other people’s Experiences with similar scenarios and their children. I wonder is there some sort of free online get together where we can all get together, share our experiences, what’s working, what’s not etc. and maybe just give eachother a bit of moral support. I love my kids to bits and just want them both to be happy and when my children exhibit hurtful behaviour towards themselves, others or me, it makes me feel like I’m failing big time.I try to be as calm as possible mostly, but anyone will shout and rail if put under enough pressure. I’ve tried calming techniques for me so I can try and to simply weather the storm when it hits, but that doesn’t get us to school on time, or reduce the amount of time it takes to get my daughter to sleep. I also have to take the constant put downs from my daughter’s Dad, but then when I hear those same words he says to me, but coming out of my little girls mouth, I feel so bad for her, because it means she’s clearly having to hear these things about her own Mum. Last night she stood there hands on hips and told me my life was nothing, that I don’t do anything, I’m a mess and really need to sort myself out (because I was trying to get her to bed) and then this morning I got you’re just like your mother after asking her to stop screaming. She came back from her Dad’s yesterday and granted had had an amazing time. They’d been to a concert, to the cinema etc. but when she got home she just kept crying and saying it’s not her fault, like she was about to be told off for something that hadn’t even happened yet and assumed her brother who was making cookies with her and had just walked her to the shop to get the ingredients when she had asked, was being mean to her in some way. He wasn’t, he was trying to do something nice with her. I’ve read articles, psychology papers, I know remaining calm is the best approach, but not always feasible. A chat with other parents who are dealing with similar would be awesome if anyone is up for it?Thanks and hope you have a good day.
• JoannaI came across this article googling why my child is abusive at 6? Why does my child try to isolate me? It’s sad to have to google this. But I’m happy I did cause now I don’t feel so alone! I feel each and every one of you! I’m strugglingMore
• LizMy granddaughter lives with my husband and I, and we have had custody since she was two. She was born prematurely and had some developmental issues, but is now physically fine. She is now 14, and for the last few years has become extremely verbally and sometimes physically abusive. WeMore
  • Denise Rowden, Parent CoachEP CoachHi, Liz. Thank you for reaching out. Your granddaughter is very lucky to have you. I can hear how distressing her behavior is and can understand why you reached out for help. Because getting started can feel overwhelming to many parents and care givers, I often recommend making a prioritized list of all the behaviors you are dealing with, and then focusing on just 1-2 of the most disruptive behaviors at a time. This allows you to be consistent with limit setting and accountability, without becoming overwhelmed. For more helpful tools, please check out this article: How to Create a Culture of Accountability in Your Home (https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-create-a-culture-of-accountability-in-your-home/).It may also be beneficial to see what types of local supports are available to help you and your family. If you are located in the US or Canada, you can contact the National 211 Helpline at 211.org (US) or 211.cs (Canada) to find out about support services in your area.We appreciate you reaching out and wish you all the best moving forward. Take care.
• Catherine BaborI read the article and am disappointed that it didnt explain WHAT TO DO. it explains the problem but left me without tools.
  • Denise Rowden, Parent CoachEP CoachHi, Catherine. We have several articles that give more specific suggestions for dealing with verbal abuse. One in particular you may find helpful is this one by Sara Bean: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/i-hate-you-mom-i-wish-you-were-dead-when-kids-say-hurtful-things/.We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community.
• AdomicSo this is hard, my son is turning 8(or is it 9), he has been diagnosed with ADHD, and we are having him tested for a couple other things as well(I have Adult ADHD, borderline personality disorder and general anxiety, his mother has general anxiety disorder as well).We have been dealing with his outbursts in strides….his bed is falling apart due to him kicking it, we’ve told him if he breaks it we won’t get him another one(its a solid wood bed frame). His little sister and him do get physical, and he has gotten physical with my wife and I as well as his older stepsister.Lately his language has exploded with tons of F-you and well tonight he actually called his little sister(age 6) a little Bi***. He also threatened our older daughter telling her “how would you like it if I broke your neck..this is new..Like always my first response is to yell at him…I stress out and my BPD ouroboros cycle starts…my wife will usually tell me to go to the other room, but I can’t take it when he starts kicking her when she tries to settle him down…Im lost…if I try to grab him and just pull him into a hug…just wrap him up and try to love on him and prevent him from hurting himself, others or property he screams and yells…like I am hurting him…it hurts inside…I can’t quit on him…but sometimes I just want to run away…
• Exhausted and hopelessI appreciate your articles and plans for parents. Our 12 yo adopted daughter has RAD and ODD. She has been seeing a therapist since she was 5 when she started raging, and psychologist and psychiatrist for the past 2 years when we started to suspect possible mental illness.More
• Parent In DistressWith reference to & I quote “Nothing changes if nothing changes. The sooner you start, the better chance you have of changing this behavior. But it will mean changing your whole family dynamic.In other words, if you want to change the way your child is doing things, you’re going to have to change the way your whole family is doing things.”Please lead me to how i find out how to do this – where do i start – i am desperately in need of help ASAP Please I need help I am at my end with the abuse & want it to stop – mostly because I don’t want my son to be this person, I do not want him to become more of this as a adult man.. Please tell me where to go – really appreciate it so much. Thank you

Articles on Marriage and Relationships

Toxic People: 12 Things They Do and How to Deal with Them

We have all had toxic people dust us with their poison. Sometimes it’s more like a drenching. Difficult people are drawn to the reasonable ones and all of us have likely had (or have) at least one person in our lives who have us bending around ourselves like barbed wire in endless attempts to please them – only to never really get there.

Their damage lies in their subtlety and the way they can engender that classic response, ‘It’s not them, it’s me.’ They can have you questioning your ‘over-reactiveness’, your ‘oversensitivity’, your ‘tendency to misinterpret’. If you’re the one who’s continually hurt, or the one who is constantly adjusting your own behaviour to avoid being hurt, then chances are that it’s not you and it’s very much them.

Being able to spot their harmful behaviour is the first step to minimising their impact. You might not be able to change what they do, but you can change what you do with it, and any idea that toxic somebody in your life might have that they can get away with it.

There are plenty of things toxic people do to manipulate people and situations to their advantage. Here are 12 of them. Knowing them will help you to avoid falling under the influence:

1. They’ll keep you guessing about which version of them you’re getting.They’ll be completely lovely one day and the next you’ll be wondering what you’ve done to upset them. There often isn’t anything obvious that will explain the change of attitude – you just know something isn’t right. They might be prickly, sad, cold or cranky and when you ask if there’s something wrong, the answer will likely be ‘nothing’ – but they’ll give you just enough  to let you know that there’s something. The ‘just enough’ might be a heaving sigh, a raised eyebrow, a cold shoulder. When this happens, you might find yourself making excuses for them or doing everything you can to make them happy. See why it works for them?Stop trying to please them. Toxic people figured out a long time ago that decent people will go to extraordinary lengths to keep the people they care about happy. If your attempts to please aren’t working or aren’t lasting for very long, maybe it’s time to stop. Walk away and come back when the mood has shifted. You are not responsible for anybody else’s feelings. If you have done something unknowingly to hurt somebody, ask, talk about it and if need be, apologise. At any rate, you shouldn’t have to guess.

2. They’ll manipulate.If you feel as though you’re the only one contributing to the relationship, you’re probably right. Toxic people have a way of sending out the vibe that you owe them something. They also have a way of taking from you or doing something that hurts you, then maintaining they were doing it all for you. This is particularly common in workplaces or relationships where the balance of power is out. ‘I’ve left that six months’ worth of filing for you. I thought you’d appreciate the experience and the opportunity to learn your way around the filing cabinets.’ Or, ‘I’m having a dinner party. Why don’t you bring dinner. For 10. It’ll give you a chance to show off those kitchen skills. K?’You don’t owe anybody anything. If it doesn’t feel like a favour, it’s not.
3. They won’t own their feelings.Rather than owning their own feelings, they’ll act as though the feelings are yours. It’s called projection, as in projecting their feelings and thoughts onto you. For example, someone who is angry but won’t take responsibility for it might accuse you of being angry with them. It might be as subtle as, ‘Are you okay with me?’ or a bit more pointed, ‘Why are you angry at me,’ or, ‘You’ve been in a bad mood all day.’You’ll find yourself justifying and defending and often this will go around in circles – because it’s not about you. Be really clear on what’s yours and what’s theirs. If you feel as though you’re defending yourself too many times against accusations or questions that don’t fit, you might be being projected on to. You don’t have to explain, justify or defend yourself or deal with a misfired accusation. Remember that.
4. They’ll make you prove yourself to them.They’ll regularly put you in a position where you have to choose between them and something else – and you’ll always feel obliged to choose them. Toxic people will wait until you have a commitment, then they’ll unfold the drama.  ‘If you really cared about me you’d skip your exercise class and spend time with me.’  The problem with this is that enough will never be enough. Few things are fatal – unless it’s life or death, chances are it can wait.
5. They never apologise. They’ll lie before they ever apologise, so there’s no point arguing. They’ll twist the story, change the way it happened and retell it so convincingly that they’ll believe their own nonsense.People don’t have to apologise to be wrong. And you don’t need an apology to move forward. Just move forward – without them. Don’t surrender your truth but don’t keep the argument going. There’s just no point. Some people want to be right more than they want to be happy and you have better things to do than to provide fodder for the right-fighters.
6. They’ll be there in a crisis but they’ll never ever share your joy.They’ll find reasons your good news isn’t great news. The classics: About a promotion – ‘The money isn’t that great for the amount of work you’ll be doing.’ About a holiday at the beach – ‘Well it’s going to be very hot. Are you sure you want to go?’ About being made Queen of the Universe – ‘Well the Universe isn’t that big you know and I’m pretty sure you won’t get tea breaks.’ Get the idea? Don’t let them dampen you or shrink you down to their size. You don’t need their approval anyway – or anyone else’s for that matter.
7. They’ll leave a conversation unfinished – and then they’ll go offline.They won’t pick up their phone. They won’t answer texts or emails. And in between rounds of their voicemail message, you might find yourself playing the conversation or argument over and over in your head, guessing about the status of the relationship, wondering what you’ve done to upset them, or whether they’re dead, alive or just ignoring you – which can sometimes all feel the same. People who care about you won’t let you go on feeling rubbish without attempting to sort it out. That doesn’t mean you’ll sort it out of course, but at least they’ll try. Take it as a sign of their investment in the relationship if they leave you ‘out there’ for lengthy sessions.
8. They’ll use non-toxic words with a toxic tone.The message might be innocent enough but the tone conveys so much more. Something like, ‘What did you do today?’ can mean different things depending on the way it’s said. It could mean anything from ‘So I bet you did nothing – as usual,’ to ‘I’m sure your day was better than mine. Mine was awful. Just awful. And you didn’t even notice enough to ask.’ When you question the tone, they’ll come back with, ‘All I said was what did you do today,’ which is true, kind of, not really.
9. They’ll bring irrelevant detail into a conversation.When you’re trying to resolve something important to you, toxic people will bring in irrelevant detail from five arguments ago. The problem with this is that before you know it, you’re arguing about something you did six months ago, still defending yourself, rather than dealing with the issue at hand. Somehow, it just always seems to end up about what you’ve done to them.
10. They’ll make it about the way you’re talking, rather than what you’re talking about.You might be trying to resolve an issue or get clarification and before you know it, the conversation/ argument has moved away from the issue that was important to you and on to the manner in which you talked about it – whether there is any issue with your manner or not. You’ll find yourself defending your tone, your gestures, your choice of words or the way your belly moves when you breathe – it doesn’t even need to make sense. Meanwhile, your initial need is well gone on the pile of unfinished conversations that seems to grow bigger by the day.
11. They exaggerate.‘You always …’ ‘You never …’ It’s hard to defend yourself against this form of manipulation. Toxic people have a way of drawing on the one time you didn’t or the one time you did as evidence of your shortcomings. Don’t buy into the argument. You won’t win. And you don’t need to.
12. They are judgemental.We all get it wrong sometimes but toxic people will make sure you know it. They’ll judge you and take a swipe at your self-esteem suggesting that you’re less than because you made a mistake. We’re all allowed to get it wrong now and then, but unless we’ve done something that affects them nobody has the right to stand in judgement.

Knowing the favourite go-to’s for toxic people will sharpen your radar, making the manipulations easier to spot and easier to name. More importantly, if you know the characteristic signs of a toxic person, you’ll have a better chance of catching yourself before you tie yourself in double knots trying to please them.

Some people can’t be pleased and some people won’t be good for you – and many times that will have nothing to do with you. You can always say no to unnecessary crazy. Be confident and own your own faults, your quirks and the things that make you shine. You don’t need anyone’s approval but remember if someone is working hard to manipulate, it’s probably because they need yours. You don’t always have to give it but if you do, don’t let the cost be too high.