After 32 Years, I’m Ready to Leave My Wife and Take a Chance
I am a man who has been married to my wife for 32 years. I told her I loved her five days after I met her. She was also my first sexual experience. I was 23 and she was 18. We both said it was a love-at-first-sight thing, and I’ll still agree to that today. But now it’s 32 years later. We have two grown daughters, one who has given us two grandchildren, and another who married and left her husband a little over a year into their marriage. I am like others I’ve read here.
I am no longer in love with my wife, although I do care for her a lot. I have never cheated on her, but I picture myself in a single-life situation with the ability to date all the time. I will say that two years ago I did meet a woman I work with, and we hit it off immediately. We have traveled together with our job, and even spent a week together in Wyoming, although nothing happened. To this day, we talk on a daily basis, sometimes for hours. She knows about my family, and I know and have met her family. She has two teenage boys and a teenage girl, and I do believe they like me. I have been to her house on several occasions just to talk or watch a movie, and have even had a few meals with her. I guess my point being that what I have with her is what I had with my wife when we met, but in my eyes aren’t even close to having anymore. There is a 20-year age difference between my friend and I, but it doesn’t seem to bother either of us. We have told each other that we are each other’s best friends, and told each other that we love each other and could never see that changing. My wife is aware of her existence, since we do work together occasionally. We would sometimes be on the phone together when my family was all in the house, but not on purpose, that’s just the way it worked out. My wife finally confronted me about it, saying it bothered her and that I seemed happier talking with my friend than I did with her, which is pretty much accurate. At the end of the day, I can’t see myself spending the rest of my life with my wife or without her. And more and more, I see my life with my female friend and her family. There is nothing set in stone, and we have never talked about that aspect because I am married. But I think if I were to divorce my wife, it could happen. I believe the one thing that has stopped me from leaving is the turmoil it would create with my children and grandchildren, but I have to do something for me, not anybody else. This thought process consumes my life daily. I’m tired of being smothered by my wife trying to prove she loves me, and if I don’t do something about it soon, I will lose the opportunity to live the rest of my days in happiness. If it seems like I’ve rambled on, I’m sorry. It’s the frustration of what I am facing. —Ready to Go
Dear Ready to Go,
Thank you for reaching out and asking these important questions. I appreciate how hard it is to ask for help and I’m really glad you did. I am going to share my thoughts on your situation as candidly as possible.
You say, “I’ve never cheated on my wife,” and I would venture that you are talking about never having had sexual contact outside of your marriage. However, there is another side to infidelity that many people are unaware of or fail to acknowledge—the emotional affair. An emotional affair is when a married or committed partner turns to an individual outside of the partnership to fulfill emotional needs. The situation you are describing with your coworker sounds like an emotional affair, especially because it appears that your wife is not aware of the type and amount of contact you have had with this woman.
While affairs may progress in any number of ways, they don’t generally “just happen.” Affairs happen by a series of small compromises: sharing secrets with someone other than your partner; doing things with someone that more often than not should be reserved for your partner, such as going to the movies or having nice meals out; and hiding behavior. Eventually, many people find themselves in an all-out affair. While I’m not suggesting that you are having an affair, you are certainly on a slippery slope, and it is apparent that this “friendship” is taking a toll on your marriage. Even if nothing has happened yet, there is a very real possibility that could change very quickly.
There are a few significant things that make a relationship with someone outside of a partner so enticing. For one, it’s new. As anyone who has ever purchased a new car can attest, the newness of the car is exciting. You can’t wait to show it off, tell everyone about it, and you burst with excitement every time you drive it. After a while, however, the newness wears off and you get accustomed to it. Then, you become more aware of its quirks and maintenance costs. At this point, some people will trade in for a newer car to try to recapture that feeling.
In marriage, the concept is the same—when you met your wife, it was new and exciting. Now, after 32 years, two children, two grandchildren, and a life together, the newness is gone. The excitement has worn off, and you know this woman like you know yourself. I suspect that is part of what makes the relationship with this other woman so exciting—it’s new. There are new things to learn, explore, and share, while with your wife you may be feeling like you’ve been there, done that.
Starting a new relationship after a long marriage can be exciting, but I must caution you that the friendship you describe is steeped in fantasy; almost every new relationship is. At this point, your life with your wife is full of responsibility and with the daily tasks of living—the bills, kids, grandkids, work, college tuition, and household chores. The relationship with the other woman doesn’t have any of those components now, but should you choose to end your marriage and start a life with her, those elements will be present along with the added challenge of blending families. Before you make any big decision, it’s important to step back and look at this from a realistic perspective, beyond the fantasy and romantic idealization.
Finally, you state that you want to be happy and that you’re concerned that you will lose the opportunity to live your days in happiness. From my perspective, happiness is an internal condition. Viktor Frankl reminds us that the “last of the human freedoms [is] to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” You are making your happiness contingent on what happens in your life and your relationships, when your focus really ought to be on how to find fulfillment, happiness, and joy in your life on your own. If there is one thing that is constant in this life, it is that nothing stays the same. Therefore, the highest task of living, in my opinion, is learning how to surf the waters of life and maintaining an inner sense of peace, joy, and happiness … no matter what is happening.
You do not have an easy choice to make in this situation, and I would encourage you to seek out someone to talk with you about this. A good therapist can help you navigate the waters and help you become aware of things you may not presently see.
Orders of Protection and Restraining Orders
If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
What to Expect When Filing or Responding to a Petition for an Order of Protection from Domestic Violence or Stalking
Circuit Court Judge Susan Carbon provides information about the court process for filing and responding to a petition for domestic violence or a stalking order of protection. (English | Spanish | Arabic)
Length: 15:19 | Transcript: What to Expect When Filing or Responding to a Petition for an Order of Protection from Domestic Violence or Stalking
What to Expect at a Final Domestic Violence or Stalking Order of Protection Hearing
Circuit Court Judge Susan Carbon provides information about what to expect at a Final Domestic Violence or Stalking Order of Protection Hearing. (English | Spanish | Arabic)
Length: 15:24 | Transcript: What to Expect at a Final Domestic Violence or Stalking Order of Protection Hearing
Civil Restraining Orders
Superior Court services representative Marge Malfitani talks about about civil restraining orders and what to expect when you need one or when you get served one.
Length: 4:32 | Transcript: Civil Restraining Orders
National Domestic Violence Hotline
There are community organizations that provide free and confidential support services to anyone who has been impacted by domestic violence, sexual violence, or stalking. Services are open and affirming to all, including for the friends and family of survivors. More information can be found at the New Hampshire Coalition Against Domestic & Sexual Violence.
Many types of court orders are called orders of protection or a restraining orders including:
- Domestic Violence Order of Protection
- Stalking Order of Protection
- Criminal Bail Protective Order
- Civil Restraining Order
- Other Circuit Court Orders
- Emergency Domestic Violence Orders of Protection
Court staff cannot provide advice about what type of court order is best for your situation. However, there are several organizations that can provide legal advice, including legal aid organizations which provide reduced cost or free assistance.
Domestic Violence Order of Protection
This court order protects a person who has been abused by a family or household member or by a current or former sexual or intimate partner as defined in RSA 173-B. The person who wants protection (“the plaintiff”) files the case against the other party (“the defendant”).
Stalking Order of Protection
This court order protects a person who has been stalked as defined by RSA 633:3-a.The person who wants protection (“the plaintiff”) files the case against the other party (“the defendant”). There does not need to be a special relationship between the plaintiff and the defendant. A person who has been stalked by a family member, household member, or current or former intimate partner might also qualify for a Domestic Violence Order of Protection.
Emergency Domestic Violence Orders of Protection
If you are in immediate danger of domestic violence and the court is closed, you may get an emergency order by going to or calling the nearest police department. It does not have to be the police department where you live. A police officer can help you fill out the forms and contact a judge by telephone. The judge may grant you an emergency order over the phone if s/he believes you are in imminent danger. If you are granted an order over the phone, it will only last until the close of the next business day that the court is open. For the protection to remain in effect, you will have to go to a circuit court before the close of the next business day to request a protective order that will last longer.
Frequently Asked Questions Pertaining to Orders of Protection
What type of protections (“Relief”) can the judge order?
Where to go to ask for a Domestic Violence or Stalking Order of Protection?
What to expect when asking for or responding to a Petition for an Order of Protection?
Domestic Violence/Stalking Criminal Order of Protection
After a person has been arrested (“the defendant”) for committing a crime against another person (“the victim”), a judge or bail commissioner may grant the defendant bail. If the defendant and victim have a certain type of family or intimate relationship, the bail order may be called a Domestic Violence/Stalking Criminal Order of Protection, or commonly referred to as a Criminal Bail Protective Order (CBPO). Unlike a Domestic Violence Order of Protection or a Stalking Order of Protection, the victim does not ask for the CBPO. Only the prosecutor or the defendant can ask the judge to change or drop a CBPO. It is important to note that a CBPO can require that the defendant stay away from the victim but it cannot create a parenting schedule or a custody determination. A CBPO will automatically end when the criminal case is over.
More information about criminal cases can be found here and more information about the Crime Victims Bill of Rights can be found here 
.
Civil Restraining Order
A Civil Restraining Order is court order telling someone (“the defendant”) to stay away from or to stop an action that directly affects the person asking for the order (“the plaintiff”). There are no special relationships or specific criminal acts that are needed to ask for a Civil Restraining Order.
The plaintiff asks a Superior Court judge for a Civil Restraining Order by filing electronically unless extraordinary circumstances exist. There is a fee to file. If the plaintiff cannot pay the fee, they can file a Motion to Waive Filing Fee.
In most circumstances, the judge will not issue a Civil Restraining Order until after the plaintiff and defendant both have had a chance to tell their side. For a judge to issue an order without notice to the other side (known as ex parte, or emergency relief) circumstances must exist which pose a real risk that irreparable harm will result if the judge does not take immediate action without hearing from all sides to the dispute.
The Civil Restraining Order Checklist provides more information about how to file for and respond to a civil restraining order case.
