My parents promised to pay for my down payment on my first house, but are threatening to take it away. What should I do?

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For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions.
This week, a reader’s girlfriend wants to move in together, but his parents disapprove.
Our columnist suggests first figuring out what he himself wants, and then communicating with his girlfriend.

Dear For Love & Money,

I’ve been with my girlfriend for two years. She thinks it’s time we take the next step and move in together. My parents, who are old-fashioned and religious, don’t think couples should live together before marriage.

They told me I shouldn’t expect any support if I move in with my girlfriend, including the substantial down payment they’d always promised to help me buy my first house with. I am not surprised because they have always been clear on their beliefs.

A couple embrace, as one person holds keys to a house

I’m ready to propose and get married, but my girlfriend says she won’t even consider marrying someone she hasn’t lived with first. I don’t care either way about the order we do things, but in this economy, rejecting a 20% down payment just to prove a point seems irresponsible.

Sincerely,

Today

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Caught Between Parents & Girlfriend

For Love & Money answers your relationship and money questions. Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Submit your question in this Google form.

Dear Caught Between,

From the sound of your letter, you seem to think you have two options before you — move in with your girlfriend against your parents’ wishes, or get married and live together the way your parents want you to.

But I’m confused why you think the latter is even an option, because while you may want to please your parents and get your down payment for your future home, you simply cannot make your girlfriend marry you. Breaking up with her doesn’t seem to be on the table either, so, as long as you “don’t care either way,” you really only have one option: do things your girlfriend’s way.

If you read that suggestion and thought, “That doesn’t seem fair,” I don’t blame you. This is one of the most significant life decisions you’ll make; you should have an opinion. My guess is, deep down, you probably already do. The key is in uncovering it.

I’m familiar with this struggle because I often face it myself. When I feel stuck between two people I love with opposing ideas, picking which one I prefer feels impossible because all I really want is for everyone to be happy — more specifically, happy with me. Even more specifically, I don’t want them to be upset with me or blame me for future regret.

But the unfortunate truth is that when I forgo making hard decisions in favor of trying to keep everyone else happy, I’m the one who ends up upset. I’m the one blaming myself for my regrets. Because, just as you do in your case, I also have an opinion, even if I sometimes don’t realize what it is until later, when it’s too late.

There are a few methods I’ve found for figuring out what I want that you might try.

The coin toss trick

Assign each option heads or tails, promise yourself you’ll abide by the outcome, close your eyes, and toss it into the air. When you open your eyes and see which option won, your sense of disappointment or relief should be a great indication of what you wanted to happen.

Consult a counselor

While going to counseling to help you make a single decision may feel dramatic, not all therapy involves crying about your mother in weekly sessions for the rest of your life. You can find a counselor who practices brief, solution-focused therapy. Your job might even offer a few free therapy sessions through their EAP.

Having a third-party professional who’s trained to provide you with a non-judgmental space to explore why you may feel caught between your girlfriend and your parents could help you step back and look at your situation from a new angle.

Talk through the decision with a trusted friend

You could also talk through the decision with a trusted friend. You may wonder why I say “trusted friend” instead of “your girlfriend”. This is indeed a major decision that will impact both of you greatly, and it will be essential that you reach a final, mutually agreed-upon decision as a team.

But to be part of that decision, you have to know what you want first; otherwise, it’s not your decision at all, is it? Sometimes, when we go around and around issues inside our heads, our true opinions get lost in the internal noise. Processing your situation aloud with a friend will allow you the space to hear your thoughts and feelings. Just make sure you listen to yourself with curiosity and attention.

That said, I wouldn’t suggest bringing your parents into this decision-making process at all. Your life with your girlfriend is shared between the two of you. Your actual lived experiences immediately outrank any notions your parents have about propriety and morality.

I’m sure the kind of life-changing money they’re offering must feel tempting, but remember, it’s a gift, not a prize. You can’t earn it, nor should you try. Whether your parents choose to give you that gift is up to them. Any attempt on your part to persuade them to provide you with the down payment will only create a toxic cycle of mutual manipulation, where they treat the money like puppet strings while you treat your own life decisions like they can be exchanged for your parents’ approval in the form of cash.

Meanwhile, your girlfriend’s wishes don’t factor in at all, aside from her free will to leave you and the whole mess behind her if she feels your desire for a down payment is overshadowing your care for her needs and preferences.

If that’s not what you want — and it sure sounds like it isn’t — keep the decision between the two people affected by it: you and your girlfriend. Once you know what you want, tell your girlfriend what that is, so you can work together to figure out how both of you can be happy.

If, like your girlfriend, you want to move in together before you get married, this conversation will be mostly logistical. Or perhaps you realize that you share your parents’ values after all, and you prefer to get married first. If this is the case, one potential compromise could be to live together during your engagement. Or, you could ask your girlfriend if she has any ideas for mutually acceptable compromises.

No matter what you choose to do, remember that a lifetime with the person you love eclipses a five-figure down payment every time. It’s far more responsible to attend to your needs and desires, and those of the person you’ll share your life with, than to try to pry open your parents’ purse strings — even in this economy.

Rooting for you,

For Love & Money

Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.

He Happily Paid For Everything While His Girlfriend Focused On School, But When She Broke Up With Him, He Told Her To Move Out

by Sarrah Murtaza

Pexels/Reddit

Imagine being in a relationship where you are doing pretty much everything. You’re paying the bills, cooking, cleaning and emotionally supporting your partner who is 100% focused on their rigorous master’s degree program.

What would you do if your partner broke up with you? Would you kick them out and cut them off financially, or would you continue to pay for everything while they focus on school?

The answer may seem clear, but this guy finds it somewhat complicated since his ex has nowhere to go. What should he do?

Check out the full story!

AITA for expecting my ex-girlfriend to move out after she broke up with me, even though she has nowhere else to go?

I (27M) have been with my girlfriend Megan (26F) for 4 years, and we’ve lived together for 2 of them. We live in a house I inherited from my grandmother.

Megan quit her job a while ago to pursue her master’s degree fulltime since her bachelor’s wasn’t opening any doors. I’ve been supporting her financially and emotionally while she’s been in school.

To be clear, I never resented that.

I wanted to support her goals and was proud she was pushing forward in life.

He’s been trying to hold up!

Her program is intense, and she’s even taking summer courses.

I work fulltime and also take care of the house, which means some things slip through the cracks.

I cook, clean, and try to keep things in decent shape.

It’s not perfect, but I genuinely don’t think it’s bad..

They’ve been managing, but it’s getting more stressful for Megan.

I’d comfortably have friends over without worrying about the place looking or smelling off.

I’m not an amazing chef, but I know my way around the kitchen, but yeah they’re mostly basic dinners.

The past couple of months have been hard.

Megan’s stress levels have been through the roof and tensions between us have grown.

His cleaning efforts and supportive attitude weren’t enough for Megan.

She’s been unhappy with how I clean or cook, saying I don’t meet her standards.

I get that she’s overwhelmed, but I felt like nothing I did was ever enough.

I still tried to be patient and supportive, but things hit a boiling point and we had a big argument.

Megan broke up with me.

This is a big problem for Megan.

It hurt, but I honestly think it was for the best. We were clearly not making each other happy anymore so what was the point anymore?

Here’s the problem.. now that we’re no longer together, I think it’s fair for her to move out.

She doesn’t agree.

She says she has nowhere else to go and that if she’s forced to leave, she’ll have to drop out of her program.

She really doesn’t have anywhere to go.

Her mom and stepdad live the RV life, and she doesn’t have friends who can take her in.

She did receive a decent amount of money from her own grandmother when she passed, but she used most of it to cover her tuition.

I know she wasn’t blowing it, it really did go to school, but now she’s tapped out and stuck.

He’s not sure if he’s doing the right thing.

I get that this situation sucks, and I don’t want to see her crash and burn, but I also don’t feel like I should have to keep living with someone who broke up with me.

I’ve already given her 45 days to figure something out… even though, legally, I’m only required to give her 30.

She’s now trying to say she wants to “work things out,” but to me, it feels more like panic and desperation than a genuine desire to fix the relationship.

I don’t hate her, but I don’t think it’s healthy for either of us to keep living together in this limbo. So… AITA for expecting her to move out after she broke up with me?

YIKES! That’s a tough situation!

Megan didn’t think through the consequences of this breakup. She needs to figure something out and move out.

Let’s find out what folks on Reddit think about this one.

This user knows that ending a relationship comes with consequences.