Understanding Very, Very Smart People
In this article, Samuel Kohlenberg, LPC, discusses his observations and experiences with profoundly gifted students and young adults. Here are a few things he would like to tell them (as well as the people in their lives). Reprinted with permission from the author.
Being smart is really hard.
There may be people with high IQs who have an easy time in life; relationships are simple, work and school are a breeze, and they long ago addressed the existentialist questions that some of us might carry with us until the very end. I wish them well, and what follows is not about them.
In my practice, I have been able to observe and experience how the world treats young adults with superior intelligence. At times it can be pretty heartbreaking, and these are a few things that I wish I could tell all gifted young adults (as well as the people in their lives).
You’re not allowed to talk about it.
This is the message that brilliant people receive from the world. Because much of the world sees intelligence as a good thing, talking about it seems braggadocios, which is incredibly problematic. People with high IQs are outliers, and outliers are often a more difficult fit in many respects because the world is not made for them. You are different enough for it to be potentially problematic, but you are not allowed to acknowledge how you are different because to do so would be self-aggrandizing. Be more like everyone else, but don’t you dare address how you are different. Bright people who have internalized this message may go far out of their way not to talk about a fundamental difference that often contributes to difficulties in a number of areas.
“Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.”
Trying is a skill.
If you’re so smart, why aren’t work and school easy all of the time? If you have had a lifetime of being able to intuit your way through school or work, it also means that you have a lifetime of not cultivating the skill of trying. Some gifted teens and adults get to high school, college, or sometimes the workplace, and all of a sudden a completely undeveloped skill set relating to trying is required of them, and nobody is telling them that that is what is going on.
So how do you learn how to try? I recommend finding something that is low-stakes (meaning that it is not going to affect your grades or your work life) and that does not come to you easily. For many, such activities may include learning a new language, mastering a musical instrument, martial arts, team sports, or visual arts. Now that you have found something to try at, commit a significant portion of your week to it. Cultivating a new skill takes time, and the skill of trying is no different.
People can’t tell how sensitive you are.
A common trait amongst the gifted is that the outward expression of emotional states can be more subtle than in the rest of the population. You can be feeling things very deeply without anyone knowing, and that can be a painful and isolating experience. I wish that I could tell every gifted person that people are not missing you intentionally, and you are not alone. This tendency is relatively common, but very rarely talked about.
One way to attack this potentially painful dynamic is to tell people what you are feeling. You might be surprised at how effective verbally disclosing your emotional state can be. Habitually saying things like “I know that I don’t always show it, but I’m super happy right now” can be a total game-changer in some cases.
Existential crises happen a lot earlier, bigger, and more often.
For many gifted people, looking at a lamppost is a different experience than it is for the rest of the world. They do not just see a lamppost. They see an imagined history of how the materials that comprise the post were sourced, manufactured, and installed. They see the way that the lamp is connected to a power grid like a cell in a greater organism of a city and how they fit into that system. Imagine then, for a moment, what it must be like for such a person to turn their attention to their existence and what it means to be human.
The world is ready for angsty teenagers. The brooding 15 –year-old is a cinematic trope for a reason. People are less prepared for 6-year-olds in the midst of an existential crisis befitting a 40-year-old. Not only does it not fit the script, but it may be contributing to depression for decades to come.
Finding meaning is important. I recommend reading Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. Thoughtfully explore how you make meaning in the realms of interpersonal relationships, how you spend your time, and what you enjoy doing/feel called to do.
https://youtube.com/watch?v=wPEM2qtej_g%3Fsi%3DVzqoVpEYwwtOLs3W%26enablejsapi%3D1%26origin%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Fwww.davidsongifted.org
The rest of the world isn’t going to change.
Learning to do well with people or with organizations (school, work, etc.) that are a less than optimal fit can be amazingly important, and you may as well figure out how to do this sooner rather than later. This idea comes up a lot when I talk to people about they way they fit in (or don’t…) at work or school. While finding optimal fit can be very important, learning how to work well with people who are different from you can be important too. For many people whose minds make them statistical outliers, learning to do this early in life has the potential to save a lot of discomfort.
To this end, there have been times that I have literally told someone that the most important thing that they might learn in high school may involve finding a healthy way to deal with people who have more power than them, but less intelligence.
Stop trying to do things their way.
One of the most agonizing things that I get to witness is the conflation of means with ends. Well-intentioned bosses, teachers, family members, and friends are often generous with advice when you have difficulty. The unfortunate reality is that following their advice does not guarantee that you will be able to overcome the obstacle before you.
I am sorry to say that there does not seem to be a one-size-fits-all answer. I have noticed a trend, however, that many of the gifted people that I work with have an easier time when they are able to learn things as a system and not as a series of steps or isolated facts. In other words, understanding how things fit together as a system is often a more helpful goal than memorizing a list.
If you’re interested in finding like-minded peers for your gifted child, Davidson Institute programs like Explore, Young Scholars, and our residential summer camps are a great way to make connections. Learn more about our programs and scholarships.
Permission Statement
This article is provided as a service of the Davidson Institute for Talent Development, a 501(c)3 nonprofit dedicated to supporting profoundly gifted young people 18 and under. To learn more about the Davidson Institute’s programs, please visit www.DavidsonGifted.org.
Disclaimer: The appearance of any information in the Davidson Institute’s Resource Library does not imply an endorsement by, or any affiliation with, the Davidson Institute. All information presented is for informational and archival purposes only. The Davidson Institute bears no responsibility for the content of republished material. Please note the date, author, and publisher information available if you wish to make further inquiries about any republished materials in our Resource Library.
More Resources:
Guiding Gifted – A monthly newsletter from the Davidson Institute for those who work with or have a gifted or twice-exceptional child in their family.
Davidson Gifted Perspectives – A video series that examines several different gifted-related issues and viewpoints.
How Do You Deal with a Disrespectful Grown Child?
Reading Time: 7 minutes
Parenting is a tough job. No matter how well you do it, you still make mistakes. As your children grow, you hope they understand that even though you were an imperfect parent, you’ve always loved them and did your best to raise them well. But even so, sometimes you may find yourself dealing with a disrespectful grown child.
So what do you do when your grown children rarely miss an opportunity to point out your faults? When they roll their eyes at your advice, even ridicule you in public? Dealing with disrespectful adult children is painful. It’s also a red flag that requires action.
Key Takeaways
- There are many reasons why adult children can behave disrespectfully, including stress, childhood trauma, substance abuse, and mental health problems.
- Some of the mental health issues that can lead to disrespectful adult child behavior are anxiety disorders, depression, PTSD, borderline personality disorder, and bipolar disorder.
- When dealing with a disrespectful grown child, listen to their point of view, acknowledge your mistakes, and set clear boundaries.
- Family therapy can help rebuild trust and connection between parents and their young adult children.
10 Common Disrespectful Adult Children Behaviors
At its core, disrespect conveys disregard for others, rules, and authority. Disrespectful behavior can take many forms. It may involve ignoring boundaries, exhibiting sarcasm, refusing to listen, interrupting, and being dismissive.
Some common disrespectful adult children behaviors include:
- Constantly reminding you of your past mistakes
- Insulting you with name-calling
- Picking fights over small things
- Blaming you for their struggles, for how they turned out
- Yelling at you or speaking in a harsh tone
- Storming away or becoming defensive when you try talking to them about their behavior
- Gaslighting (telling you what you’re saying is crazy, that it didn’t happen, that you’re overreacting)
- Borrowing your money or clothes without asking
- Deliberating destroying your property
- Exploding when you refuse to agree to something they want
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What Causes a Grown Child to be Disrespectful?
One in three US adults between the ages of 18 and 34 lives at home with their parents, according to U.S. Census Bureau data from 2021. That’s a 10 percent increase in 20 years.
The high cost of living and a lack of well-paying employment opportunities are largely responsible for the shift. But parents of adult children may still bear the brunt of the blame. Young adult children may be disrespectful because they’re frustrated that they can’t be more independent.
However, there are many other factors that can contribute to adult children’s disrespectful behavior. It’s important to understand the source of the disrespect so you can address the problem effectively. Here are some other reasons why your adult child may be disrespectful:
Immaturity
Young adults’ brains aren’t fully developed. While many parents consider their children adults at 18, the adolescent brain continues to mature well into the 20s. They may look grown, but many young adults still aren’t able to regulate their behavior. Nor can they fully consider the consequences of their actions until they’re closer to 30 than 20.
Dysfunctional Family Dynamics
Parenting styles, family dynamics, and communication patterns impact how young adults interact with others. If parents and children were often in conflict during the adolescent years, this may continue into young adulthood. However, it’s not too late to start changing those patterns.
Childhood Trauma
Adult children with a history of trauma, particularly in their family of origin, are more likely to act disrespectfully. For example, growing up with a verbally abusive father may mean that a child learns to accept abuse as normal. As the child grows, he may begin speaking to his mother disrespectfully because his father normalized bad behavior.
Substance Abuse
If your adult child suffers from substance abuse, the impact on your relationship can be profound. Addiction to drugs or alcohol can cause volatile and angry behavior that looks like disrespect but is actually a symptom of substance use disorder.
Life Stressors
When young adults face difficult transitions, such as moving, their parents’ divorce, or the loss of a loved one, they may behave disrespectfully. Disrespectful behavior is especially likely if they lack the necessary tools to manage their stress.
Mental Health Problems
Mental health issues can affect the way young adults behave toward their parents. Untreated mental health symptoms can change the way grown children perceive and communicate with their parents. They can also hinder a young adult’s ability to manage their emotions.
Young Adult Mental Health Issues and Parent-Child Relationships
If your adult children are dealing with a mental illness or a mental health issue, they may be rebellious or act out in hurtful ways. They may be unable to control their behavior. Here are some of the mental health conditions that may prompt disrespectful young adult behavior:
Anxiety Disorder: Young adults with anxiety disorders experience intense bouts of worry and fear—even panic—in connection with everyday situations. The feelings are difficult to control and out of proportion to their triggers. Feeling restless and on edge, grown children may lash out for irrational reasons even they don’t understand.
Depression: Depression a serious mood disorder affecting how someone feels, thinks, and manages daily activities. Young adults who suffer from depression can exhibit a range of symptoms, including irritability and annoyance. It’s not uncommon for them to withdraw from people, leading to conflicts with parents and other family members.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): A young adult can suffer from lasting trauma due to a one-time event like a school shooting or from chronic abuse or neglect. In either case, PTSD can cause young people to exhibit aggressive behavior or irritability. Without the proper treatment, PTSD symptoms are likely to grow worse.
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD): Young adults with BPD have difficulty regulating their emotions. They’re prone to shifting moods, volatility, and uncontrollable bursts of anger. They can swing from extreme closeness to extreme dislike, leading to unstable relationships and emotional pain.
Bipolar Disorder: Often diagnosed during late adolescence or early adulthood, bipolar disorder is linked to intense emotional states called mood episodes, which last days or even weeks. These episodes are categorized as manic/hypomanic (abnormally happy or irritable) or depressive. When experiencing mood episodes, grown children can behave in ways that are out of character, without recognizing their impact on others.
6 Ways to Deal with a Disrespectful Adult Child
Dealing with disrespectful grown children is different from dealing with disrespectful minors. We generally expect young adults to know how to interact with others in civil and appropriate ways. When your young adult child exhibits disrespectful behavior, make a conscious effort to address the issue before it gets out of hand. Here are some tactics:
Call Out Disrespectful Behavior Respectfully:
Instead of sitting on your feelings and exploding when you can’t tolerate it anymore, take a deep breath and bring your adult children’s rude behavior to their attention in the moment. They may not even realize they’re behaving disrespectfully towards you. Modeling healthy communication is essential, so be as respectful as possible. “When you speak to me in that tone,” you might say, “I need you to know that I feel disrespected and hurt.”
Initiate a Heart-to-Heart Conversation
Tell your adult child you’d like to have a conversation. Broach the topic gently. “I’d like to talk to you,” you can say. “Is this a good time?” In a factual way, tell your child what you’ve observed and how their disrespect affects you. Having an open conversation can help repair your relationship, boost trust, and foster closeness.
Listen with Compassion
Children—no matter their age—want to feel seen and heard by their parents. Allowing them to share their thoughts and feelings without interrupting goes a long way towards validating their experience. Healthy communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and listening is a vital piece.
Assess Your Parenting Style
Take an honest look at what you can change. Are you overinvolved or helicopter parenting your young adult child so they feel they need to keep pushing back? Do you judge their choices, making them defensive? Consider what shifts you can make that will help your disrespectful grown son, daughter, or nonbinary child feel more accepted by you.
Accept Responsibility
No parent parents perfectly. Of course you made some missteps, maybe even some significant ones. Acknowledging them goes a long way to repair your relationship with your adult child and grow their respect. Hold yourself accountable and empathize with your child’s feelings. When you take responsibility for your part, your adult children are more apt to acknowledge theirs.
Get on the Same Page with the Other Parent(s)
Conflicts between parents or their romantic partners can contribute to adult children’s disrespect of one or both parents. If you have a spouse or partner who’s active in your adult child’s life, get on the same page about how to respond to your child’s disrespectful behavior.
Family Therapy for Coping with Disrespectful Adult Children
Family therapy is a useful tool for parents who’ve been coping with disrespectful adult children. Whether parents are estranged from their grown children or feel concerned for their family’s well-being, therapy allows parents and their adult kids to seek support, express their feelings in a safe environment, and learn tools to manage them more effectively.
Trained and licensed therapists help families communicate with one another in healthy ways, building trust and mutual respect. While many models of therapy exist, Attachment-Based Family Therapy can be especially beneficial.
Attachment-Based Family Therapy (ABFT)
Rebuilding trust among family members can be challenging without support. Attachment-Based Family Therapy (ABFT) is an evidence-based family counseling modality. ABFT is designed to heal attachment ruptures in early childhood such as abandonment, neglect, criticism, and detachment. It was developed to prevent suicide and depression, and it also bolsters empathy and authentic connection between parents and their adult kids.
Families undergoing ABFT engage in five specific tasks during the therapeutic process. Each task, such as building therapeutic alliances, repairing attachment ruptures, and promoting autonomy, helps to heal familial connections and support meaningful relationships among family members.
Young Adult Treatment at Newport Institute
Strained and fractured relationships with adult children are stressful. Repairing broken family bonds is the key to healing those connections. At Newport Institute, family therapy is part of our individualized treatment plans. We understand what a powerful impact it can have.
Our residential and outpatient therapeutic programs help young adults and their parents address the wounds that produce disrespectful behavior. Grown children heal from attachment wounds and assemble a toolkit of healthy coping mechanisms. As a result, they begin having more satisfying adult relationships not only with their parents, but with others as well.
Contact us today to find out more and schedule a free assessment.
